Simeon.

Way to go, Simeon. The ground is the limit.

I don't know why, but suddenly I landed. It's like this weekend I've been "off". Suddenly I realize that tomorrow's school day. That tomorrow I have a very important math exam. That tonight it's fuckin' cold and I'm not wearing a sweater. That tonight it's fuckin' cold and many people don't even have a house.

I was thinking...no, well, I was feeling....ok, I was falling. Now I landed. I can't deal with people. I fuckin' can't. No matter how cool people are, I'm not part of them. It's like...I don't belong here. I don't belong to any group that I've been offered. Maybe there's no group for me. Or maybe it's like in those kids movies, where the charachter is looking for his family...like Tigger's movie. He wanted to find his tigger family, right? No, really. I'm asking. I never saw that movie. But you get the main point. I'm missing that group...I'm missing one single person. And it kinda sucks, because the whole weekend I've been quite happy on my own. Taking care of myself. And suddenly I notice that maybe, just maybe, man is indeed a social being. Like ants or bees. Maybe that's why girls go to the restrooms in group. Then why don't I? Why am I so different?

On the other hand, I'm glad I'm different. I don't want to have a group which rotates their boyfriends. I don't want a group where everybody talks at the same time and no one listens. I don't want a group just to hang out with just when I'm happy. I don't even need a group. One person would be enough. I guess I've said this before...I'm just asking for what everyone else seems to have.

In the first place, do they really have that?. I should go to a psychiatrist. This voice in the back of my head is really weird. Naaah, I'll leave it that way. How could I live without Simeon?....he my shadow, my conscience, my invisible friend, my angel, my best friend, my....self?

I wish I had my Simeon....physically. I don't mean necessarily a boyfriend. Romantic relationships go back and forth. I want something beyond that. At least I can take him everywhere I go.

I hope he and I have a future. I don't want money. Well, yes, I'd like some for the basics and to buy a lava lamp. But...I want to be something for the people. Future it's like a ladder. Steven said once (refering to other subject, but the idea it's the same): it's like a ladder. You have the pieces of wood and you want to get to the top. You put one in and step in it. Then put the next one in and you climb.... Problem is, this generation is too lazy to get the pieces of wood. They want everybody to get them for them. How fuckin' stupid. No matter how social man is, you're on your own in this fuckin' world. Man is social just when it's suitable for him. There comes a time when for one reason or another, you're alone. Society is not with you. Most of times, when you need someone, you have to learn to be there for yourself.

Difference...if everyone's different, then we're all the same. I think too much. I'll go to bed. It's fuckin' cold tonight.

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