An 11 years lifetime through 8 green hallways.
Tuesday, 10/30/01 - 5:26 p.m..

There's someone in DLand who I look up to. Someone really interesting. And I'm really flattered he thinks the same about me. I do understand him. How couldn't I?

You know, today...it was a gray day. I had my social studies exam, I invented most of the answers and I know I'll get at least an 8.

But I went back in time today. Have I described my school? Well, it's a jesuit school. 80 years rockin' the house. But it goes like this...all of the hallways have an order...it starts with pre-school/1st grade hall. Then there's a little hallway connecting that one to the 2nd/3rd grade hallway....and so on, until you get to the junior/senior (1st and 2nd year of) high school...the last hallway is for the library and laboratories.

So...it was lunch. I was with anyone, as usual. And I started walking around school. I see the seniors and I get sad. They must be sad. They look sad. Besides them and us juniors (rooms D & mine, B) there wasn't anyone else, because this school year is practically over (elementary and middle have already finished). It was quite empty. The weather: windy, damn cold and cloudy. Raindrops here & there once in a while.

I started walking...from my hallway....then the 8th/9th grade hallway...I saw myself there, crying because Veronica & Carmen just left me alone....I passed the 7th grade hallway, where I was watching beans grow in a glass for an experiment...and so on...in every hallway, I saw a part of my life. When I got to the pre-school hallway, I barely remembered a few things...and it was harder to picture myself as a 6 year-old girl. I saw 10-11 years of my life in a few minutes. And I wanted to cry. I went to Fidel's office and he wasn't there. I went to Julio's (the jesuit) office and he wasn't there. I couldn't find anyone to whom I could tell that I don't fuckin' want to graduate from school. And the ones I tell don't understand me. Everyone wants to get the hell out of it. Well, I don't. My whole life is there. Every hallway has a part of my life. I'm practically out of school...the last hallway, the high school one is the closest to the main entrance...so it's like you start at the end of the building (it's not exactly a "building"...it was, but the 1986 earthquake destroyed it) and you finish really close to the entrance. It's like school prepares you for life and takes you right at the entrance of it.

I walked around all by myself, for about 25 minutes. I must have looked like a ghost, like a lost soul who refuses to leave that place. I refuse to leave. I sort of cried when the afternoon classes begun. No one noticed, though. I wanted to talk to someone. I was actually looking for someone while I was walking around. But I knew no one was waiting for me, anywhere. God, I feel so fuckin' nostalgic.

Two more days of school. By this time, next year, I'll be depressed.

It's been so long since I took those long walks by myself. I started doing that by the time I started noticing the real world. 8th grade, I believe. But this walk was different. I was happy on my own, but at the same time, I wanted someone who could understand how fucked up I feel about leaving school. Despite all the shit I've had to go through at school, I love being there. I've had many, many happy moments there, too.

Well, let's skip this subject for now. I know I still have one more year. But no sooner it starts and it's already finishing.

After my social studies exam, I got to talk to Fidel. I was still really sad, I happened to wake up with such nostalgia....it must be the weather. Well, we started talking. I told him about Education...my reflection went like this: the problem is that the ones who run Education in this country are stupid. Therefore, the people who graduates from school are stupid. Therefore, we have a stupid country. The stupid people realize that they're living in a stupid country and they move in another one. And then the stupidity takes over that country and so on, until the whole world is stupid. And the stupid human race destroys this stupid world.

Fidel laughed. Not at me. With me. Then we jump on another subject: friendship and confidence. He was telling me about this 9th grade girl, Nayda, who he considers his daughter. She's a nice girl. Shy and quiet. A bit like me. Anyway, he was telling me about her friends. They never stop talking and they always tell her their secrets and shit. But she's not that kind of girl. She doesn't like to tell her "secrets" and her friends get mad at her. I said: people believe that if you don't tell them your deepest secrets, you're not confident with them, and therefore you're not their friend. That's right, Fidel replied (that's pretty much what used to happen with Veronica and me). He went on and told me that he talked to her. She doesn't have to feel bad about it. "I know you're my friend. And you don't need to tell me your deepest secrets to prove me so"...I told her. Friendship does not demand anything. Good ol' Fidel. I love him so much.

On a happy note, Carmen bought me a brownie at school. I love her, too. Despite all the shit she put me through. I love her. Really. Sometimes I enjoy being with her. I guess sometimes I just don't want to be with anybody. But we barely talk when we're together. We have this comfortable silence that only real friends find comfortable. Our "comfortable silence" between us makes me notice that we're indeed friends.

I'd better go. I'm starting to get nostalgic again. And I'm gonna make the letter for my guy, who's not really *my* guy. I'll just kiss him good-bye. I'm hurt already. One more wound it's not a big deal...forget it, it is. But someone has to put an end to this senseless and shallow relationship.

Well, you have a nice day and eat healthy.

Simeon says you have to sneeze without closing your eyes.

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