Tuesday, 02/11/03 - 7:39 pm.
I wanted to commit suicide last night. Gosh, why does everything have to be ALWAYS this way? No sooner I get depressed by any given reason, everybody does, and I have to put up with them.
My friend Mikey was offered a job. AT PIXAR STUDIOS!!! He's that good. I almost cried...because it was good news, but also because I thought: "what wouldn't I give to be in your place, Mikey".
But he's scared, he can't, because he's still in high school, and he can't just drop off like that. Then he went on a tangent, and mentioned his dad doesn't love him, he's always the rejected one...and that he was raped by his PE teacher. He wanted to kill himself, and asked me to at least wish death upon him. I couldn't say a word, there are no words to cure depression. I just kept listening, in awe. All the things he told me...he's had a hard life.
Suddenly, he goes: "sorry, I know you're busy. I'll go now". And he logged off. I tried to say no. But he didn't even give me time to reply.
That hurt me so much. It was like he was questioning my friendship. What did I do wrong? I was listening (well, reading, as it was IM)!!! I was paying attention. And he logs off just like that. I wrote him an e-mail, and he hasn't replied. Of course I'm thinking the worst.
Then it's Cel. She's between Art and Victor. Some triangle here. She feels really screwed up, and Victor is already waiting for an answer. She can't decide, because there'll be one who'll end up hurt. And she doesn't want to end alone.
She too asked me to wish death upon her, or, even better, kill her.
Since she's really bad, Victor was really bad, too. I saw him today, like everyday at the UCA, and he did look a bit worried. Of course I can't ask, because I'm not supposed to know.
I arrived to the UCA very early. 10:00 am. I was hoping I'd get to see D or somebody else. I sat alone. Suddenly it was 11:30. No sign of anybody. Only Veronica appears at 12 o'clock. She says I look sad, and that I'm injurying myself more now.
I've realized I've stopped seeing people, and the ones I see don't give a fuck about me anymore. I mean, I saw Norman but he's indifferent to me now. That's ok, that happens. But it's pretty sad that we're losing touch.
It was Veronica who told me D left earlier....because he wasn't "in the mood to attend class". Some luck of mine. Does that tell me something? The day I arrive early, he leaves earlier.
I really want to kill myself. I slit my wrist last night, but suddenly I thought of Javier. The little child...how could I do that to my family?
I almost cried. I'm worried about D. If only we were friends to talk about his issues. He's really bad.
I'd say it's karma, because he's being done (pushed aside by his friend) what I was done by him.
Still, that doesn't make me happy. First because I'm sure he's not thinking that, I'm sure he doesn't know what karma is. Second, I don't want him to suffer. I just want him to be sorry for what he did to me, and to speak to each other again (he doesn't even IM anymore).
Angie and Victoria said that it was easy to tell that something was wrong with me. Sometimes I try to hide it. Sometimes I don't care.
I'll just sum up my feelings: I want to kill myself.
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