Thursday, 11/01/01 - 3:17 p.m..
Today is my Diary's 2nd month anniversary. I started writing on September 1st. I didn't know how much it'd help me. I start my 3rd month of writing here today. One clap for me and one for Simeon *Simeon claps*
I'm so fuckin' happy. Tired out, but fuckin' happy. It was the last day of school today. I feel sorry for the prom people, the seniors. No more school for them. At least I have one more year. Anyway, my day....Gosh, what a day. I guess I'll have to go in order...
Yesterday night, after writing my depressive entry, I took a bath to relax a bit. Then I had dinner. Then I went to bed. I "forgot" to study. That was the first thing I did in the morning. I took the exam and I can't say I'll get a 10, but I think I pass the subject. I know it sounds a bit mediocre but frankly, I'm too tired to worry about anything related to school.
After the exam, we didn't have classes. There's nothing more to teach, it was stupid that we had to stayed at school after the exam. We took every single period off...no, wait...well, I'll talk about that later.
I was outside after the exam, and I started waiting for the opportunity to give the guy my little gift. Heck, the perfect situation won't come to me...I have to make it happen. So...I started walking around his classroom...and I see him coming...he's approaching, he's alone...and I let him go. Dammit!!, Simeon said. Uh, Ok....I lost the chance. I thought I'd do it when recess finished. Here we go again...the bell rings and everybody starts walking to the halls...
- I think he didn't even get out of the classroom on this recess I though.
- Oh, dammit, Simeon replied.
But no....I saw him coming upstairs...he did get out...so this might be my last chance...I take out the gift and hold it in my hand, as he's walking to me...and shit, someone starts talking to him...but she leaves him alone quickly...and he's coming, he hasn't even noticed me, he's going to walk by me....don't screw it up this time, don't fuckin' screw it up!, Simeon says...I start walking in the opposite direction...I grab his hand with the one I was holding the gift in, and whisper they send you this...he reacts and whispers thanks....as soon as I feel he's gotten the gift, I let go of his hand and we both keep walking in the opposite direction, as if nothing happened.........
God, I did it. I fuckin' did it!!!!!! I felt wonderful. And no one noticed (I think). As a bonus I grabbed his hand for less than a second...aaaawwwww (how dumb). This all just happened in 2 seconds, and we never stopped walking. Thank God I did it, because after that recess, his classes were called off and I didn't see him again. Well, I saw him before I left school, but that wouldn't have been a good time to give it to him, since there was a lot of people in front of us......
Oh, fuck, I did it. He hasn't called yet. I don't know if he will. I don't know how he's going to react. And frankly, I'm a bit afraid of what he's got to say to me.
If there's a reason why I should remember my last day of 1st year of high school, is the humilliation my classmates and I went through. As I've told, all of the classes were called off. BUT what happens to us, room B? We had two math classes!!!! We were the only classroom in the whole fuckin' school having classes!!! And math, to make things worse!!!!! It was humilliating. I was embarrassed. People laughed at us. The other rooms (A, C & D) were released at 10 a.m. They were allowed to leave school. But we, noooo...we had to stay. God, I was so fuckin' humilliated I wanted to cry.
I got to be with Carmen for a while today. We were sitting in the hall, along with Elisa, Betty and a friend of theirs, Rocio. Carmen said she had to go I-don't-know-what, I-don't-know-where, so she left me. Then what's that I see? Veronica is talking to her! They start talking, just like friends. I mean, the whole year, they ignored each other. And suddenly, they run into each other in the hall and say hi to each other, just like that. I turned my head and felt happy for them and sad for me. When I turned my head again, they had already sat on the hall...they spent the whole recess talking. What did they say to each other? I don't know. But I was afraid Veronica would want to talk to me. I didn't want to hear whatever she's got to say. I don't. Later on, while I was talking to Carmen, Veronica approached and hugged me. She said hey, why don't we study together? the three of us?...I looked at Carmen and I saw an ironic smile. I said uh, yeah, but I was thinking no way in fuckin' hell!.
Then I saw Fidel and I ran up to where he was (with the excuse "he's drinking coffee, I'll go get some")...I left Veronica hanging. I don't know what happened to her later.
I was happy. I'm still quite happy. Not like this morning, but pretty much. I told Fidel how wonderful today was. He said that it indeed was. Everything is working out by itself. You know, it's funny. Last night I couldn't sleep because I kept thinking of this problem...and today it solved by itself. Everything is solving by itself. I could see that, for some reason, he was relieved. I was, too. Life is weird, I said it fucks it all up and then it makes it all up. He said: Life is so fuckin' weird. And by the way, he gave me my Simeon book back. He said he liked it. He said he always like my stuff about Simeon.
Before we had that conversation, I'd told him y'know, maybe I wouldn't be too freaked out about leaving school if I was sure where I'm going after it finishes. I don't know what to do after school. He smiled and said don't worry. Life itself will show you the way, believe me. I believe him. He's a Yoda himself. He's really wise and knows so fuckin' much about life, although he's fairly young (33 years).
I'm tired...and a bit nervous about my guy. I have this paranoia...I keep looking at the phone.....wait....holy fuck, did I just call him "my guy"?
I guess that's it for now. I'll start studying tomorrow. I'm not going to school until wednesday (from wednesday to saturday...how fucked up is that?), and just for my final exams.
Oh, yes. Carmen gave me a letter. She'd never been so sweet. She said she thanked me for may reasons, that she's really happy I'm her friend...sometimes it sounds more like a boyfriend writing to his girlfriend, but still, it was a nice detail from her.
I also read a notebook I passed around to some of the people I get along the most with, so they'd write something for me in it. I read them all. Though I felt there was something left. Veronica. We used to give to each other "happy vacation" letters. Today I really missed her. But she no longer exists for me. I mean, she does, but she's changed. She didn't even let me participate in that change. I don't know that girl. Anyway, the messages were really sweet, everyone says "you're cool", "thank you for your friendship, for listening and stuff", "you're a crazy, funny girl", "don't you ever change", "Aerosmith rocks", "hope you get to meet them some day", "have fun with your boyfriend"...
....the first time I read that I went: whatta...?...then I read below..."Tyler". Oh, yeah. I smiled. So, my boyfriend is Steven Tyler and I didn't even know that. I mean, I've never said that (I'm already over the fact that he's married)...but I guess it shows how obsessed I am with Aerosmith. Fuck, I truly love him. But not only because he's a rock star and "he's soooooo cute!"...I love him because he's such a....he's unique. You gotta know him to know what I'm talking about.
Blood stains the ivories on my daddy's baby grand, I ain't seen the daylight since we started this band....No More, No More. No More writing for now. I'll go hanging out with myself and Simeon. Long time no do that. Maybe I'll start writing another Simeon book next week. After exams are over. Today I'm taking the rest of the day off. I'm happy...I'm relieved, I'm a bit relaxed, a bit scared, a bit excited...mixed up a lot. But I feel good.
I wanted to get a T-shirt that said: "I'm the least fucked-up". - Tom Hamilton.
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