Bloody fuck.
Tuesday, 03/11/03 - 12:54 pm.

Today in history:
1997 - Former Fab Four member Paul McCartney is officially knighted by Queen Elizabeth II during an investiture ceremony at Buckingham Palace.

Angie lent me Please, Please Me and Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band. I nearly killed her of joy. That never happened to me with Aerosmith, I never had to borrow albums from anybody, because I have them all and people have none, or just the common ones. I don't like to borrow CDs, anyway. I prefer to get my own. Original. Store-bought. Shame on the high cost, though.

Speaking of Aerosmith, Steven Tyler inducted AC/DC into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, so I have to keep an eye on TV. I can't wait for their upcoming blues album. But I am, anyway.

I think I haven't mentioned that Cel is D's classmate at the UCA. They're going on different careers, but are taking one (or two, I'm not sure) common subject.

- Me: have you talked to him? How is he?
- Cel: Well, yes, we have our talks. He's still the cute bastard I met in 9th grade, but I feel something's missing.
- Me: Oh, yes...me. (sarcasm, you realize)
- Cel: Yes, you got it...I think now that your wounds have healed we can talk about this. I don't think I never saw him happier than with you.

At first it was great to "hear" that (it was an online conversation) but...

- Me: That's not true.

I said he must've been happier before, with other girls. After all, we were never "officially" anything but friends, while he did love other girls enough to want them as girlfriends.

- Cel: No. He was never happy with A, because she didn't even give him a chance. And V...well, going out with her was just a need.
- Me: Maybe I was just a need, too.
- Cel: I shouldn't have told you. I thought you had already recovered from this and you'd be able to be less subjective.
- Me: No, no...that's ok. Thanks for those words. I'd never heard that before ("I never saw him happier than with you").

Blah, blah, blah...

- Me: But it's no use. He doesn't even remember what happened.
- Cel: Who says he doesn't?
- Me: He's too caught up in himself, in other things going on in his life....and even if he does remember, he obviously doesn't miss it (me).

I thought about it before I went to bed, and I've been thinking about that today. If I was given another opportunity to be with him, I'd take it. If he only missed me a little bit. I realized I still do love him, but I'm just trying to move on, pretending I don't. But the truth is I still kind of miss him (in a way in which I can say: "no, I don't").

We could meet up at 4:30 at the UCA, two or three times a week, because he ends classes at that time and I have a class off. But of course, we don't. I haven't seen him there, and I'm not sure I want to. Because it's not like things would change.

In fact, whatever he is "missing", like Cel said, it sure as hell isn't me.

it's funny to think I'm never going to find anyone, let alone he's going to come back. It's funny, because I still feel he is (was) the only one for me. It's funnier, because he's gone. Let's laugh together.

Bloody fuck, I thought I had recovered.

For No One
(Lennon/McCartney)

Your day breaks, your mind aches
You find that all her words of kindness linger on
When she no longer needs you

She wakes up, she makes up
She takes her time and doesn't feel she has to hurry
She no longer needs you

And in her eyes you see nothing
No sign of love behind the tears
Cried for no one
A love that should have lasted years

You want her, you need her
And yet you don't believe her when she said her love is dead
You think she needs you

And in her eyes you see nothing
No sign of love behind the tears
Cried for no one
A love that should have lasted years

You stay home, she goes out
She says that long ago she knew someone but now he's gone
She doesn't need him

Your day breaks, your mind aches
There will be time when all the things she said will fill your head
you won't forget her

And in her eyes you see nothing
No sign of love behind the tears
Cried for no one
A love that should have lasted years

(I drove today again, you know. I U-turned)

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