Monday, 03/17/03 - 12:48 pm.
I thought it was because of my voices.
Today, during my driving lessons, The Beatles' In My Life came on the radio. But my instructor changed it before it ended. I bet she didn't know it was The Beatles.
Today, during my driving lessons, I was looking out the window. And I heard in my head: you know what I liked about him the best? his hugs . I realized that voice, or whatever it was, was talking about D. I thought what the fuck?. That was innecesary, and I don't know why and where it came from.
Regardless, I got lost in thought. Yes, he was great at that. But I'll never get him back, and I'll never get anyone else. In other conditions, I'd have felt saddened by that statement, but given I was about to take over the wheel, I was distracted, and didn't care a lot for it.
I really hate this phase of my life. Oh, I'm 18. I haven't done anything worth in my life. You know that band, The Beatles? The members of that band were on the road to success way before 18. You know that band, Aerosmith? The members of that band were on the road to success way before 18. I'm 18, and I'm just learning to drive. Big deal.
I don't know what to do. I don't know how to know what to do. All I do is spend time in my bedroom, in delusion and denial. I only come out to be on the computer, read the newspaper, have meals and go to the UCA or to my driving lessons.
I lack of real emotions. All the emotions I have come from the past. Right now, there's nothing that's making me feel anything. My life is lethargic, miserable, pathetic and I'm unhappy. Nothing happens, and I can't seem to make anything happen.
I tried writing and drawing. I suck at it, and I'm about to give up. I'm still determined to take guitar lessons, so I can at least play 'til my fingers bleed, even if I suck at playing.
I'd like to talk to D, I've actually tried (I logged on last night, but he wasn't on), but that's like beating a dead horse. I've beat myself enough on that subject. Yet...I've been feeling to urge to talk to someone about this and to look for him. It's not gonna change anything, is it? I know. And anyway, there's no one to talk to, I've given up on trying to talk to Cel. She always does the same thing (she did it last night again). I'm actually starting to get mad at her for that, but I won't tell her, because I know she doesn't do it on purpose (that's probably one of the strongest reasons why I never get to tell people that they've hurt me....but hey, if they did it on purpose it wouldn't be as fun to let them know, would it?).
But this dumb part of me is always fuckin' up, thinking that life is like in the romantic movies, when everything is ok in the end. And if it's not ok, "it's because it's not the end". Fuck you. That's not what happens in my life. Some things end and not in a happy way, I don't see why anyone should be telling the world to "always smile". I once heard a song that said "life is easy if you wear a smile". That song pissed me off, and I banged my head. It's not easy, just less tiring for the muscles in your face.
My job ate my life - Steven Tyler
I'd say, my life ate my life.
Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more.
prev / next