25 years ago The rock festival California Jam II is held in Ontario, California. 250,000 attend to hear the likes of Santana, Bob Welch, Aerosmith, Dave Mason, Heart, Ted Nugent and others (1978).

I got a phone call from Adri at 7 am. She sounded sad and I feared the worst. My God, who died?. No one. Kind of. She broke up with her boyfriend. She was (is) devastated, and I was really ashamed to leave her just to go to my driving lessons. I just called her to her cell phone, to let her know that she can call me even at midnight if she needs someone to talk to. I know breaking up leaves you devastated (is kind of funny for me to say that, as I've never been in a real relationship...actually, all of my relationships with boys are simple break-ups...everyday of my relationship with a boy is a break-up day, when I wonder what's really on his mind and it gives me a heartache to think the worst, until he -the guy, D- just leaves, breaks up with me for good).

She loves him so much....and he only said he was bored.

I logged on last night, and D was on. We talked for a while. Jesus Christ, I hate him. We had a lame, lame conversation.

- Me: I have to go, take care.
- Him: ok.

You may think it's insignificant, but that pissed me off. "OK"? I should've told him that one could've thought that now he's in college he'd have a wider vocabulary. I wanted to destroy something. To hit myself, to burn him down. But I only wrote this.

OF COURSE IT PISSED ME OFF!!! I'm not even gonna waste my time explaining why, but it almost makes me cry. For fuck's sake, he's a JERK.

FUCKER FUCKER FUCKER FUCKER FUCKER JERK FUCKER FUCKER FUCKER FUCKER FUCKER WORTHLESS FUCKER FUCKER FUCKER FUCKER FOOL FUCKER FUCKER FUCKER LIAR FUCKER FUCKER FUCKER FUCKER FUCKER SCUMBAG FUCKER FUCKER FUCKER MISTAKE FUCKER FUCKER FUCKER FUCKER FUCKER FUCKER FUCKER COWARD FUCKER FUCKER FUCKER SELFISH FUCKER.

I HATE HIM.

Cel and Victor made me feel better afterwards, though. Victor added me to his conversation with Cel (don't mind the "away" status, I'm here, I just don't want to talk to anyone but you and her....awww, I feel special). It was wonderful, they are wonderful.

But even in those times, Cel changed her nicknames to things like you were her fuckin' razor blade, coward and May you 'rot in hell' my friend, but you know he ain't worth the trouble. She didn't log out suddenly last night, so I'm not mad at her anymore. I mean, I wasn't mad-mad at her...just mad-uncomfortable, because she'd leave without notice and wouldn't come back. But like I said, she doesn't do it on purpose, and last night, she literally stood by me.

You can't tell what's so big about his "ok" that's got me so tearful and angry, can you? There's not much more to it than meets the eye. It's his simplicity, his inability to at least say "goodbye" in a PROPER way. If I wasn't in love with him, of course I wouldn't mind, "you know, I have this casual acquantaince that's really dumb to articulate simple ideas". But after what he's done to me, every little thing he does ends up hurting me. Specially because they show he doesn't care about me at all.

(and it's still hard for me to understand why, for I always tried so hard to make it work, and he still means the world to me...I don't understand how even I -that I'm already a bit worthless- could have been degrated to less than garbage in so little time, and by someone I'd have gladly died for -and I did, actually-)

Cel told me he was talking in class with a girl and the professor called them down in front of all the classmates, and that they laughed. At first I felt bad for him, but after thinking over, I wished that happened to him everyday. He deserves it. He doesn't even know how cruel he's been to me.

I'm so mad. I want to have a real mental disorder so I can get away with self-injury and emotional break-downs. To add insult to injury, NONE of my razors were sharped. I'd push my favorite razor inside my arm, but nothing happened. No blood. Nothing, just a thin, pale line. I tried with the other three tools in the safety matches box (the SI kit), and none worked. That got me madder, I wanted to lose my mind so I'd toss myself against my mirror, but at least I got to almost slit my wrists, without actually cutting through a vein. I don't know what I'm gonna do know, though. My razors are now nothing but pieces of metal.

A happy note? The sky is blue today. And it's windy. The sky had been HORRIBLE these past weeks, pale blue and kind of cloudy, I thought it was smog. But no, today the sky is beautiful. Looking up the sky (wether it's blue or gray) it's one of my favorite things in life.

But...

I want to stay home, please. Don't make me go to the UCA. I want to stay in bed and cut.

LOCK ME UP AND SEDATE ME, PLEASE!

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