Saturday, 03/29/03 - 4:04 pm.
Yesterday in music history (I didn't post this yesterday, you realize. For the record, there isn't anything Aero/Beatle history related today):
34 years ago, In London, Ringo Starr says the Beatles will make no public appearances. John Lennon counters that there will be several in 1969 (1969).
12 years ago, funeral services were held in England for Eric Clapton's son, Conor, who fell to his death from a New York City high rise apartment window. Phil Collins and George Harrison (Clapton married George's ex-wife, remember?) were among the many who attended (1991).
1998, Nine Lives falls from 84 to 91 on the Billboard Music charts. It has been on the charts for 77 weeks.
I can assure you, I have NEVER had a longer month than this march. Christ, it's horrible. IT'S DISGUSTING, IT'S SICKENING. It's getting on my nerves, I can't wait for it to fuckin' come to an end. It feels like months since I started college, and it's been less than one.
It's been years (or at least about a year and a half) since I felt I truly belonged to myself. Now I do. I currently have no feelings for anybody. ANYBODY. These past years I'd been suffering of infatuations and crushes, but not anymore. That's over.
I'm really sad, though. I haven't found a reason to justify my sadness, but I am. Though I've been able to see the details of life and feel thankful. Everywhere I see, there's a gift of God. I don't know how to call this...ambivalence? whatever it is. I'm sad, but I feel I can see things in a way I hadn't seen in a long time.
That's how I used to be. A loner, with eyes wide open. Like at school, I was always alone, but I'd enjoy it, there wasn't anyone I'd like to be with. I could sit on a step and touch the soil, and pick up dead flowers, and see bugs making a living. Good stuff, really. Most people don't take the time to do that. I once found a petrified bee stuck to a tiny flower. I'm sure I wrote about this, because it happened on 10th grade, but I'm not going to look for that entry.
I thought college would be different, but it isn't. Well, it is....it's worse (or better, it depends). For example, yesterday. I didn't talk to anybody. And you know why? Because I haven't met anybody (aside from Victor, Irene, et al, but it's not like we're the bestest buds in the world...we have fun and everything, but it's a survival thing, given we all share our academic background, coming from the ESJ). And no one has taken the time to talk to me either. Sometimes I wonder what's so wrong with me, that everybody seems to make friends so easily (they talk to and are talked to), and I don't. It's not like I cry over it, but I do wonder.
I walk through the hallways looking down, and my hair covers my face. I don't look at anybody, I avoid eye contact. I don't know if anyone looks at me for any other reason that "what's with the freak?"....and then I wonder why I don't make friends so easily, go figure. But hey, maybe I just do not want to be friends with anybody.
Veronica, Rod, Adri and Norman are going swimming tomorrow. They invited me, but I'm not in the mood to be with them. I mean, I never am. But now more than ever. I just don't want to be with anybody.
I'm having problems with hunger. I eat little when I have to eat more (the three meals), and then one hour later I'm starving. It's kind of a cycle, but I find it strange. I starve sometimes, waiting for the time of the meal. And when the mealtime arrives, I'm not hungry. Or I am hungry, but I don't feel like eating.
A couple of hours ago, my heart was beating very fast, as if I'd just run. But I hadn't. And I could feel it, pounding, like kicking to come out....it was racing. Now I can barely feel it. I'm used to that violent pounding when I wake up (in that strange phase when you know you're about to wake up), but not in the middle of the day. It's like....like...Ringo's drum solo on "The End".
I have the feeling my mom and the rest of my family are hiding something from me. Last night Renan called and asked to talk to my mom to see how she was. "Nancy (my sister), must've told him something", my mom said. "Something about what?", I asked. She made a pause and said: "I don't know...something". I didn't like the tone of her voice. And now I'm thinking she's sick. But she isn't sick, they would have told me, wouldn't they? But I have a hunch....well, I don't know if it's just a hunch or plain pessimism.
I'd like to know why I feel my heart so heavy. I'd like to know why I'm sad. I still thinking that maybe it's just me. That's how I am. I'm not so cheery. I have my phases, but I'm not. Even when I was this way years ago, I wouldn't break down all of a sudden. I'm sad. Sometimes something happens that makes me forget the way I feel, but in the end, I go back to this...heavy thing, I don't know how to call it.
Carry that weight
(Lennon/McCartney)
Boy, you're gonna carry that weight, carry that weight a long time.
Boy, you're gonna carry that weight, carry that weight a long time.
I never give you my pillow
I only send you my invitations
and in the middle of the celebrations, I break down
Boy, you're gonna carry that weight, carry that weight a long time.
Boy, you're gonna carry that weight, carry that weight a long time.
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