Sunday, 04/06/03 - 3:54 pm.
Well, yes. I'm back to the George layout. It fits me better. I have no further comment.
Hi, my period arrived today. Every month it's the same thing. I'd like to be sterile, and I did tell God about it. I guess He just laughed. But hey, what's the deal? here in the west being sterile is not an embarrasment for the family name. And I don't feel like bringing a new life into this world. If I ever want to have a child, I'll adopt one. Thanks, God. It's a precious gift. But I'm sure someone else would appreciate it more, I don't deserve it.
I think the best part of the cramps, is picturing myself dying. No, really. That's kind of soothing. To think everything will end soon.
Lately I've had this image in my mind of me dying. I mean, I always do, but not of cancer. I often wonder if it'd be better for me to die in a hospital, surrounded by the people I love (so I can say goodbye), or die alone (i.e. slitting my wrists locked in my bedroom), or suddenly (shot, in a car accident).
I think I'd thank God either way. "Thanks for letting me live this long" or "thanks for taking me away so quickly, I was sick of a few things".
Cel says she'll dress up as George Harrison for my funeral, and will sing Here comes the sun. Come to think of it, I should list the songs I want for my funeral.
I kind of miss cutting. It's been so long since I've felt alive for a REASONABLE reason. I feel alive when I listen to Aerosmith and to The Beatles. But I usually think I'd be better off dead (maybe I'm just a lazy person). I don't remember getting a good, REAL feeling out of a *person* in a long time. All I feel is hostility or nothing at all.
I still think of D often. I consider it very stupid of me. Bad, bad self. I was doing very well, and then, just because of one or two rumours, I relapse. I log on every night, hoping, begging to find him online and it turns out he's not. I die to talk to him, although I know how discouraging that'd be. I can't help it. I'm still drawn to him.
If anything, though, I defeated something that was bugging me about him. I don't think he's "the one" for me, anymore. Funny that I realize that 6 months later than I was supposed to.
No, wait...it isn't funny. It's dumb.
Simeon asks me (and I ask myself, too) why I'm this way. Why I think of dying, why I want to. Because I've been blessed with so many things in my life. But I can't help it. Outside, my life is perfect...well, not entirely perfect...but nice enough, and -for what I've seen- nicer than average. It's all inside, then? Yes, it's all inside. And I don't know why, given I have enough reasons to be happy. And knowing that I don't enjoy them like I should makes me hate myself even more. I *have* been happy before. But I can't seem to be anymore. And frankly...I don't quite care if I'll ever be again. I just want to...I don't know...disappear.