Sunday, 04/20/03 - 1:25 pm.
I have no desire to live today, and I'm almost numb. I don't want to practice my driving (I did put on my Beatles tape when I was in the garage practicing, and it kind of cheered me up -the first song that came was "I'm Down", covered by Aerosmith though-), and I don't want to go back to college.
I feel so empty, so relunctant to do anything, so thoughtful about things I shouldn't think about...I only want to stay in bed and rot, but at the same time, I want to change. I want to go away. I want to die.
You know, I talked to D last night. It wasn't anything interesting, except that he asked me to play Truth Or Dare. He said I should go first for being visitor. "Visitor where?", I wondered...and then I asked him if it was true that Paul McCartney owned a dog named Martha.
He said yes, and then said "you have to ask me what I choose". I've never played Truth Or Dare, but I know how it is, I've seen my friends play it. I've been called a coward for not playing it, but at least I'm a coward that's able to stand up for her own principles. I HATE that game. I FUCKIN' HATE IT.
I suppose it's the sexual connotation of it, and I can't stand sex in that dumb-playful-flirty way, because...I just can't.
If you want to get technical about that, it's because everytime I needed someone to be there for me, my friends were talking about sex -IF they weren't crying on the shoulder of someone else because their life was oh, so fucked up-, in a way that ressembles that game.
On my last high school trip, on the bus, on the way back to the city, I was cutting the living hell out of my arm, while two seats away (diagonally), D was playing that and telling dirty jokes with Norman and two sluts. I was wishing someone was there for me, I was wishing he'd care about me, he'd come and take the piece of glass away from me. But oh, no. You should've seen him having a good time, cracking himself up.
It's just me. I just hate stuff like Truth Or Dare, or E!'s "Wild On" or things like that....I don't think those things are immoral or anything (as a matter of fact, I watch it -guilty pleasure-), good for the people that enjoy those activities. I just think....I can't quite put into words why I feel this way about the use of sexuality for entertaining purposes. I don't like to play because I don't need to prove anything to anyone, and I share whatever I want with whoever I want to.
- Him: you have to say if it's truth or dare.
- Me: no one tells me what to do.
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