Friday, 11/09/01 - 8:31 p.m..
Ok, I feel better now. Well, not better. Just different.
Today when I arrived at school, 85% of the student body had a copy of the english summary I originally had made for the guy. I kinda got upset but Lourdes told me it was really helpful for her. So....it's ok, I guess. I ran into the guy before the exam started and he did a very significative gesture to me. Like he was ready or something. I had call him last night and I helped him a bit with the idioms. He was really thankful, but after we hung up I started crying. For him, for Melv and for other people. I'd never cried that way with such purpose. I mean, praying for them. I even woke up with a knot in my stomach. I wasn't even that nervous for me on wednesday for the math exam.
Anyway, the exams started and after 45 minutes I finished. I got out. I hung out with Norman and Carmen. But then they joined the pastoral group, so of course I had to leave. I saw Veronica with Clown. And here I was, walking around, with no direction, thinking of the guy and Melvin. And I felt alone. Really, really alone. I felt like I really gave all I had, or at least what they allowed me to, to help them. But I didn't see Melvin after the exam (he called me in the evening...he believes he's failed). The guy ignored me. My friends were with their friends. I was alone. After I worried so fuckin' much about everybody...I just needed some feedback.
I guess this all is meant to be...
I got home, feeling empty, alone and worthless for everybody. I felt really tired, both physically and emotionally. I guess anything I did yesterday turned out at least half of what I expected. I took a nap. When I woke up, I remembered Veronica had invited me over to her house. I didn't feel like going and I made up an excuse. I was sick. I'm sick, anyway. My voice is raspy among other stuff. But I ended up going. You sellout. It was a good thing though. She was home alone and -she told me yesterday- she doesn't like it much. We studied. And talked some. About her, of course. She did this, she did that.
I had a good time. When I arrived home, Cory called me. Just to ask a few things about tomorrow's exam. Then I called the guy. How cool, Rodolfo and another guy were with him, so I couldn't talk a lot with him. He wasn't even paying much attention to me. But I guess he failed the exam. Anyway.....he didn't tell me anything about me helping him. Yeah, I know I don't have to wait for any reward. I wasn't expecting a "reward". I just wanted to get some feedback from him. I guess I helped many people with the english summary. But here I am, alone. I mean....does it make sense? It's just that I tried to help people, I kinda helped them but it's like I did nothing. Both because I saw no results and because people just didn't tell me anything about them. I guess everything is through with the guy, then. He's got nothing to tell me. Not even thank you. Next time he calls me it'll be just to do his thing. I know, I'm nothing for him.
I've been down this road before
when the passion turns into pain
and each time I saw love walk out the door
I swore never get caught up again....
Oh, look...I have a couple of tears running down my face. Isn't it weird? Tears are one of the signals that prove that human is not only a complex of chemical reactions. There are feelings, too. Something beyond comprehension. Ok, unless you want to think that feelings and emotions are chemical reactions, as well.
Oh, misery...tell me why does my heart make a fool of me....
I'm sick of studying. But tomorrow everything will be finished. Did I mention this? I'm not going to see Aerosmith in Houston. Because there's no concert in Houston in december, just in Dallas....yeah, I guess I had mentioned that before. I just wanted to say that again. I'm fuckin' dissapointed. I'm cursed, no doubt about it. I'll never see that damned band live. I'm fuckin' cursed. On every aspect of my life. My whole life is fuckin' cursed and therefore miserable. Plus, I can't be happy, because there will always be someone who's not, and I'll feel guilty about it, and I'll try to help them, I'll get depressed with and for them, and then they'll be happy, with a little bit of help from me, without noticing that I sacrificed my happiness and did my best to make them happy. I always wind up feeling alone, worthless, cursed and miserable.....ain't that a bitch?
Seems it's my destiny
for love to cause me misery...
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