Friday, 04/25/03 - 3:21 pm.
Hi, *yours truly*!!
how are you?! it's been days since we've talked.....
I guess Victor and you have a couple of conclusions about our mess (that, by the way, *I* am causing) and, well, I think it is necessary to clear up, *yours truly*, that you have not done anything wrong at any moment, you are the only person that understands me, the only one that I've told everything to, the only one that knows I love him (Victor), and that right now I am going through a phase that I thought you understood. Never say, my woman, that you did something wrong by talking about that with me, let alone by encouraging me to go on and get "official" with him, *yours truly*, that's something I will never stop thanking you for!
Maybe you wonder how I know this, and it's because Victor broke our silence for you (imagine how much he loves you, the sweet motherfuckah) and told me in a few words what was happening (I guessed the rest of the story) and, well, since you and I are friends, I figured it'd be right to come to you with the problem, because I trust in you, and in the fact that if something is bothering you you'll come and tell me next time we see, right? Because it'd hurt me to think that after all this time we've had this friendhsip, it wouldn't be enough for you to tell me what's botheting you.
Remember *yours trluy*, that I love you inifinitely! and that I don't want us to drift apart, ok? let alone because of my conflicts!
Huge beatle kiss,
Cel.
Yeah, ok.
I really don't know what to say, and like I said in my reply to her, I don't know how we got to this awkward point. I don't even understand what all this is about, I don't understand anything, I don't know what's going on. It's like she knows how I feel and she's trying to calm me down, saying all I did for her and Victor was the right thing to do.
And yet, I still feel guilty. Guilty. I feel awful, and I don't think I could talk to her without crying. I'm so sorry for getting involved between them, because I feel I only got everything more complicated. They both say all I've done is helped them so much, and that I've done everything right....but that's not how I feel.
I feel anything but ok. I've been trying not to eat, or eat less. I won't shove my fingers down my throat, never. I just don't want to eat, even if I'm hungry. I want to cut, but I'm always afraid of my family finding out, and of keloids. But what the hell...
Listen, you should click here. You'll be amazed by my talented friend, Mikey.
************
Sex? Female
Country? ES
Age? 18
Do you experiment feelings of sadness and irritability? Yes
Do you experiment loss of interest or pleasure in activities you used to enjoy? No
Change in weight and/or appetite? Yes (just appetite)
Do you sleep more/less than usual? Yes
Do you experiment feelings of guilt, do you feel useless? Yes
Do you find difficult to remember things, concentrate, or make decisions? Yes
Do you feel tired, do you feel you lack energy? Yes
Do you experiment agitation or a decreasing in your activities, noticed by others? No
Do you have thoughts on death and suicide? Yes
Has this been happening to you for longer than two weeks? Yes
RESULTS:
***this evaluation is only with the pourpuse of orientation, and is in no way a diagnosis***
The results indicate you may be suffering from depression...blah, blah, blah.
This test is like an horoscope, though. I bet if you read the rest of the signs, at least half of them will apply as much, or even more than your own (oh, the things you learn when you're majoring in psychology).
Even if it's not an "official depression" (I doubt it is), I don't think there's any other word to describe the way I feel.