Am I getting uglier?
Wednesday, 04/30/03 - 9:24 pm.

So I'm alone right now. No one is online. Victor told me he'd go to a party, and he said Cel would probably go, too. That'd be neat for the both of them now, wouldn't it? I hope they have a good time together.

I had my History midterm tonight. It was alright. I wrote down everything the professor asked for, but I don't know...if I get 8 (out of 10) or higher, I won't have to take finals. But I doubt it. I mean, no...I just don't know. It wasn't so hard, but I don't want to jump to conclusions.

I cut today. I'm not much of a cutter, I must clear that out. But I did it today, four cuts, two on each arm. I did it with my sharpless blade, but two cuts still bled. Funny. It does work.

Norman sent me an e-mail today. Well, to me and to Claudia, Roberto, D and Rod. Veronica's birthday's next tuesday, you know? 18. And they want to throw her a surprise party. At first I went: "no, thanks, I won't be there" - then I thought that'd be pretty fucked up, because after all, she's a good friend to me..."yes, I will go". But then I realized I have classes at night (and a dad that doesn't enjoy being a driver to her useless, pedestrian daughter), so I can't go. I will look for her at the UCA that day, though, and I will give her her present. I may show up at the party, I don't know....first, because of the ride, and second, because I hate parties.

I arrived earlier at the UCA, to study for the midterm with the gang. And I got to see Cel, Veronica, Rod...and D. It wasn't entirely pretty.

D was the first to greet me (with a kiss on the cheek, as customary) but then he just ignored me and didn't even say goodbye. I could realize, when I saw him, he has no clue. Not a fuckin' clue. So I tried to ignore him, too. What's the point of paying attention to him, anyway?

You have no idea how I felt when he walked away, without even looking at me. I nearly broke down right there, but I swallowed hard and tried to go on with my life.

I wasn't good enough to keep his attention, was I (I'm talking about high school)? I've felt like a pig these days, and I try not to eat a lot and not so often. But I'm not used to hurting hunger, and I think I never will. But I feel...fat. And it's not that being fat is bad, it's just...it doesn't look good on me. Nothing looks good on me. I wasn't attractive enough for him. I suppose everybody wants a flat stomach and shit...I don't need that, but when everybody does (specially the boy you like, that, like many other boys, dreams of a dream-woman), it's hard to maintain that mentality.

Cel called me chubby today, as in "my chubby girl...", I can't even remember what she said after that. That's just her loving way to call me, and I'd have smiled like I always do, and pay no attention to that nickname, but this time it was different. D was just walking off like I wasn't there, I was dealing with that, and with the fact that I feel fat, and I don't want to get fat because I'll be even uglier. There's this chubby girl in my class, and she has the cutest face in the world, and is so nice...and Mia Tyler (Steven Tyler's -"the guy in Aerosmith", you realize- daughter, Liv Tyler's half sister) is such a role model...but I can't let that happen to me, because I'd get uglier.

I feel weird with Cel now. Since the incident happened, I feel something has changed. I talked to her today on and offline, and everything was cool. But there's something...I can't quite put my finger on it. But it's me. It's not her, it's me. It's like something changed, I don't see her as I used to.

I'm afraid my gang is starting to notice I am sad....it's funny, because when I'm with them I either don't feel that bad, or I try to hide it. Victoria asked me today several times if something was wrong and such. Victor asked me, when we were leaving the UCA, if I was still "feeling...bad?". I don't remember what I replied. Something dumb, I bet. As usual.

So that's been my day. Funnier than a vegetable.

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