Conversations of my happy, pathetic self with my friends.
Saturday, 05/03/03 - 3:06 pm.

- Victor: you'll leave everything as it is, then?
- Me: I wish I wouldn't...but I don't know how to make them change.

Yesterday afternoon I got to be with D, Veronica, and other people in the UCA cafeteria. I didn't feel very well, and I barely said a word. D didn't look very entertained either. Veronica was worried because a friend of hers got hit by a car and is in intensive care. I must admit that when I saw her on the verge of crying in the cafeteria, I almost got upset, because I wanted to cry too (although for other reasons), but that was SO goddamn selfish of me, and I got over it in a second. Gosh, how can someone (*me*) be so fuckin' insensitive? Luckily I started focusing on her. All in all, it wasn't that bad, I just felt awkard with them. I couldn't help feeling bad.

D broke the screen of his cell phone, and now is carrying one that's just like mine. He's also carrying an exacto knife, and funny, I was carrying the exacto blades (only I don't carry them for educational purposes....). But we didn't talk a lot.

I went off to study for my midterm (I cannot tell about it, until I get my grade) with the gang. I didn't even say goodbye to him ("because he didn't say goodbye to me the other day"). But minutes later, I ran into him and Veronica again. I was on my way to get copies of the experiment guidance. I asked them if they'd like to be individuals for the experiment (on monday I'll have my first psychology experiment, using real people), and they answered no. But before they walked away, D said goodbye to me and approached for a kiss on the cheek. And I disgusted myself for not saying goodbye to him before.

After the midterm, at around 8 o'clock at night, the gang and I walked around the UCA campus. It was great, walking in the dark with those people, with that hilarious group I feel (and best of all, I *am*) part of. The 6 of us, just hanging around.

Then I came home. And logged on. I asked Norman if he'd like to be an individual and he said "HELL, YEAH!!!". I knew he wouldn't say no. He's just the extroverted kind of guy that'll try anything once, twice and more. And also said: "count me in for EVERY experiment!!!". I know I sometimes say he gets on my nerves and such, but he's just a cute, fun little guy that I love so much.

Veronica logged on later (she finally got internet access) and we sort of talked. I tried to comfort her about her friend, telling her he'll be alright. She's a little in shock, and I hope she hears good news soon, so she'll be able to enjoy her birthday.

About her surprise birthday party...hi, I'm going. I won't be part of the surprise part though, because I have classes. But I'll drop by later. The ride is such an issue, because my dad will bitch if he has to give me a ride back home, and he'll bitch, lecture me (on wrong companions and being taken advantage of), get upset and whatnot if someone, *a boy* (because only Rod, D and Norman have a car), offers me a ride home (in fact, Norman already did)...but I can't go on like that forever. I have a right to go out with my friends. I've earned that right, I deserve it...I don't go fooling around, I go out for good, clean fun with good, clean people.

Either way, my mom is more open minded and already said yes. I'm glad you go out with your friends, have fun, you're young, that's so normal. You can always bring them over. And your boyfriend, you can bring him over, too. And this is where I almost screamed. My mom had never said anything like that before. She never, -believe me- NEVER, mentioned the word "boyfriend" before, and I never expected her to say it in such a positive way. I was so happy. Now I know I can completely trust her, now I know she does (try to) understand me.

D logged on at almost 11. He opened up a little bit, telling me he's having problems with his parents, with his godmother (Karla, from the ESJ pastoral), he crashed the car (nothing serious, though), he broke the screen of his cell phone....and even brought up his dog. I just told him to get some ice cream, and that relatives can be a pain in the ass, and cars and cell phones can be fixed.

I asked him again about being an individual...and he said yes. HE SAID YES!!! But when I told him the time, he said he was sorry but had to work. I didn't care, because he said yes, and that's all I really cared about.

Then we went onto the topic of Veronica's birthday present, I gave him a couple of ideas. It was a little sad, because I....I thought he'd never go through the bother of finding the perfect gift for me (he didn't, as you may recall), as opposed to Veronica, to whom he's concerned about getting her something neat. That was the sad part, but only deep, deep inside of me. Because above all, I was truly happy to help him, and I'm curious about what he'll end up getting for her.

And then he said he had to go, that he was sorry he couldn't take part in my experiment and that it'd been nice talking to me, since you seemed not up for talking at the cafeteria today.

(it shouldn't have, and I'm not sure why it did, but this comment threw me off a little, I could swear I almost fell off the chair)

To tell you the truth, I went to bed smiling, and I woke up feeling ok, and my mom's little talk made me keep feeling ok. I'm not feeling ok now, not entirely. I feel a little sad, but that's just me. Other than the past, there's no tragedy going on in my life....and hell, even the past wasn't such a tragedy. I've gotten pain by little pieces, little details that shouldn't matter, or more important, I could have worked out....but now they seem to rot in time inside of me. I just can't quite tell what's happening to me. I feel bad for being such a bitch lately, I know I've been a bitch, and yet I can't seem to control it. I feel happy and rotten at the same time. Maybe it's just me. I'm just stupid. Dumb. I don't deserve anything I own, yet good things keep coming into my life.

I'm definitely stupid.

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