The long and winding road.
Thursday, 05/08/03 - 9:11 pm.

Hi. Today's Cel's 18th birthday (and this is Mikey's corner...hi, Mikey).

I've been searching some sites on depression, and all of them mention my behaviors. Even the "waking up two hours earlier" it's accurate, as I used to wake up at 8, and now I'm awake at 6, listening to my dad's radio, and thinking of the night before, but feeling nothing but a piercing stomachache (like hunger).

I've been breaking down here and there, for this and for that, wanting to die and then feeling guilty...your family and friends would be devastated, said a site about why I shouldn't commit suicide. That's the last thing I want, to hurt my family and some of my friends. That's why I haven't done it, and that's why I probably never will. Other than that....I feel ready...to leave. Life is beautiful, it is...but if someone came up and told me "I'll make you pass away right now", I'd say "ok".

It sounds like depression, but it cannot be. Even if all of the sympthoms apply to me...it just can't, there's no history of such thing in my family. And even if it is depression, I can't tell anyone. They'd think I'm playing the drama queen, that I'm just imagining it, that I'm making a big fuss out of nothing (am I?)...I don't know, anything like that.

It can't be in my brain. It's all in my mind...*sigh* alright...

So I was at the UCA looking for Cel to give her her birthday present. I gave her a stuffed bear, and we named it Hamlet. With Lennon as last name. And George as middle name....some mixing of names, but that's what she wanted. I'm glad she liked it, though.

I was with her outside her classroom, her classes were about to start...and D comes and puts his cheek to be kissed on. I do, and then he does the same to Cel. He didn't even say happy birthday to her. Some selective guy, isn't he? He wouldn't say happy birthday to her, even when she asked him to.

Veronica arrived shortly after, and sat by me. Do you want to talk now?, she asked.

Because yesterday, I was home alone, and I broke down. I desperately needed a way out, and in my desperation I couldn't come up with a better way of releasing this whatever-it-is than sending her a text message to her cell phone: "can we talk one of these days?"

I regreted it later, but the harm was done. So she decided to skip class and listen to me. And bought me some soda. Really nice of her, yes.

D asked her if she was going to get in the classroom and she said no. So he walked away. Not even goodbye.

I didn't tell her anything. We talked about her health (she has some dangerous bacteria in her body and the doctors are trying to fight it), about her issues with Norman (sometimes it seems he wants to get serious with her and then it seems he doesn't care)...and a little about me.

But I just told her I didn't know what it was. She asked me if I still had feelings for D and I lied. "No". I said I was just hurt. I didn't tell her I *think* I have depression, I didn't tell her I tried to commit suicide the night before...I was scared I might sound like I needed attention, and that she'd believe I was overplaying a reaction, and that she wouldn't believe me.

Last night I was finally certain of D's feelings for me. He's this cold to me now because he doesn't want to give me fake hopes. He doesn't want me around. He wants blondes, he wants a perfect girl.

Cel:: well, darling, I'd be happy if a shallow guy like him didn't like me.
Me: but if the shallow guy likes you, you, the girl next door and not the magazine cover girl...then he isn't so shallow, is he?

But who am I fooling? The more I see him, the colder he is to me. And so, all that's left for me to do is to...deal with it. I can't tell him anything. He'll get away with breaking my heart, with making me feel rejected and unwanted (AGAIN). I feel used. Like a toy you throw away when you're tired of playing with it.

No one would believe me if I told them how I feel. No one would believe me if I said I've felt like this on and off....forever. I had a happy childhood, although I was mostly a loner and a geek. I wasn't unhappy at all, but I had LOW self-esteem and I'd bang my head against the bathroom walls (not so hard, because by then I was scared of pain), thinking how ugly I was. Then 8th grade...I started thinking about suicide and that's when it got kind of serious. And then...september last year, the last thing I needed...I finally started cutting, my only way to release my repressed feelings, and I finally transformed thoughts of suicide into attempts, even if it was just pretending...

I have no words to express how I feel. Words cannot tell. I need to *act* if I want to make my point gotten by people.

Your family and friends will never get over it.

I HATE myself.

***

The Long And Winding Road
(The Beatles)

The long and winding road
that leads to your door
will never disappear
I've seen that road before
it always leads me here
leads me to your door

The wild and windy night
that the rain washed away
has left a pool of tears
crying for the day
why leave me standing here?
let me know the way

Many times I've been alone
and many times I've cried
anyway you'll never know
the many ways I've tried
but still they lead me back
to the long and winding road

You left me standing here
a long, long time ago
don't leave me waiting here
lead me to you door.


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