Possibilities and false hopes.
Friday, 05/09/03 - 12:34 pm.

Last night, Mikey helped me to find a *real* diagnosys for my "depression". It could be emotional stress, major depression or dysthymia, a sort of mild depression (one of these days I'll post some links, but not now, as I am too lazy). I go for the last one, because mine cannot be "major". The only thing that doesn't apply to dysthymia is that it doesn't take in account self-injury. But it's not like I've bled to death when I cut.

I have two problems, though. One: the sympthoms are very subjective (unless you have in mind the "more than weeks" rule...but still, they're very subjective). Two: there's a keyword to some sympthoms, "noticeable". I don't think anyone has noticed that I feel this bad. Veronica does it sometimes, so does Victoria and Angie; Mikey, Cel and Victor know I feel like crap, but because I tell them. But that's about it. My family never notices, and it's not because they don't care about me. Quite the contrary, I care a lot about them and I'd hate to tell them that I'm sad, no matter the reason, because they'd be worried/alarmed (or would think I'm overreacting, or would think someone took advantage of me, or God knows what)...so I hide it. Sometimes I'd like to tell my mom how I feel....but I don't.

I don't feel that bad right now, though. Just lethargic and lazy and sleepy and unmotivated. Not sad. I could climb to bed and fall asleep, but I can already listen to my muscles rot, and I don't want that.

The gang...well, Angie wants the gang to go to the movies tomorrow. It'd be nice. I want to see X-2. But I don't feel like getting dressed up...I may go, though. If we get our act together, because lately (this week) we've been really out of tune. We schedule a meeting and no one is on time, and we end up meeting up by accident somewhere else in the campus, and we do nothing of what we've planned to work on. We called ourselves "failure", but it's not like we have low self-esteem. In fact, we always end up getting better grades than average...we always manage to pull everything off.

Since D had logged on last night, Victor was bugging me to talk to him. I told him I wouldn't. I have nothing left to talk about with him, I don't want to. I don't care for understanding what he did to me anymore. I never did, I never will. Even Veronica told me yesterday: I will never understand what happened. I didn't IM him. But he did IM me, minutes later.

- Him: Hello
- Him: why don't you talk?
- Me: Hi.
- Him: funny how people ignore one.
- Me: No. I knew you were online.
- Him: I didn't know you were.
- Me: funny how people ignore one.

I should've told him, following Vic's advice, well, you ignored me yesterday, and you didn't even noticed you'd already said goodbye to me at Veronica's party, but I didn't. I'd have sounded desperate.

It wasn't a fantastic conversations, but then again, not one is. We talked about robots, and to my surprise, he asked me for Simeon. I told him he was dead, because when the creator dies, the creation dies a little bit, too. But then I said he was probably on a trip he said let's hope so.

I said "cute", refering to the fact that he asked for Simeon (no one does anymore, except for Cel and Victoria), but he took it as ME calling HIM cute. So he said: no, I'm not. I was going to say no, you aren't, but I only said but thinking of someone and asking how's he doing, is.

I didn't want to talk to him. Not because I didn't "want to". I don't "have to". As kind as it is that he talked to me, it isn't healthy...I feel disappointed when we don't talk if we're both online, but at least it's not as torturing as talking, because when he talks to me, I feel something I shouldn't feel. Just talking to him brings me false hopes. And I'm tired of false hope. I'm sick of it.

I'm also tired of this wheather, I can't stand the heat. I miss the blue sky. I'm choking here. I want to leave.

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