Monday, 05/19/03 - 10:35 pm.
I don't feel too well. I thought I was recovering from these odd feelings...I hadn't felt this miserable since thursday.
I went to the UCA at 10 am, to work on an experiment. It didn't go too bad. Betty was my individual, and we also caught up on some things in our free time. She told me Vic's been sent to see a psychological, because he needed "serious" help. Aw, my Vic *heart*
So anyway, the experiment was ok, but after that we had laboratories and discussions, and I got the results of my last test: 8.75 (out of 10). I was disappointed. Fuck, it was so easy and I failed...I should've gotten at least 9.5. I felt (I feel) like a failure. And things didn't get better, because as I'd been working on the report of the last experiment, I completely forgot to study for today's test.
And I've felt like crying the entire day. I've felt upset, mad and sad. And from 11:45 to 4:15 I did nothing but hang out with some people, and feel nothing inside (or more properly, I felt I was blocking everything). My mates noticed I was feeling bad, but only Victor noticed what I did to my wrist last night. I almost made it unnoticed...it's kind of embarrasing when someone you care a lot about finds out.
I went to the restrooms (it was around 1:30 pm by then) and I ran into D by accident. He made some gesture when he saw me, but I only kissed him on the cheek and walked away...there was another girl with me anyway, and she started talking to him.
Later on, at the cafeteria, Cel arrived. I could feel the awkwardness, Victor was with me. He left to go look for his sister, and she (Cel) came to sit by me. Then she went to buy a slice of pizza, and Victor came back to sit next to me. Then Veronica arrived and sat at the table, too...and then Cel came back, and sat next to me.
I was between Victor and Cel, and Veronica was in front of me, looking at me, like asking: "is something wrong?". Things couldn't get more awkward.
But wait...they did.
D arrived, and sat next to Veronica. I turned to Victor and whispered in his ear: have you ever had the feeling that there's all the space of the universe around you and yet the things that fuck you up are right at your table?
D looked very mad and left with Veronica, without saying goodbye (she did, of course). He seemed really uncomfortable.
"He's freaked out", Cel said when he left.
And she explained to me she'd been with him (they have a class together) and that he was ok, talking and hanging around...and it was when he arrived at my table that he got all mad.
I thought about it for the rest of the day. He must think I'm a drama queen who only wants attention, that I'm making it all up, I don't know...he probably hates me...or at least is uncomfortable when I'm around.
So I give him negative feelings. It's hard for me to say this, but at least he does have any feelings for me. At least I still cause a reaction on him, even if it's negative.
I spent some time alone in between classes. And I thought a lot about death. I felt guilty, because I have all the people I love around me, and it seems like I don't care a lot for them...I do, I really do. It's just so hard for me to ask, specially with my family. For example, my dad's sick, and I barely ask how he's doing, although I am worried it'll be something serious. I asked him tonight. I want to die before anybody else in my life does.
(on a brighter note: one, I found a lighter today, it's blue, really cool, and it made my day...two, I don't feel jealous when I see Victor and Angie together anymore...I wish there were less obstacles between them)
So it's back. "It" is back. Everything that bothers me, and more. The universe is not enough to keep rotten feelings and haunting thoughts away from me. I wish I could get help.
But I don't think there's a cure for subjectivity.
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