Thursday, 05/22/03 - 12:14 pm.
I woke up this morning, missing something. Part of me is missing, I thought. Then I realized I'd lost the sense of life.
I walked like a zombie to the garden, trying to feel what I always feel, while being surrounded by flowers and being touched by gentle sun rays. I tried to, I forced myself to. But I didn't accomplished it. Even with a blue sky, something I'd been longing for weeks or even months, I couldn't find a meaning to anything. Nothing makes sense to me anymore.
I put on The Beatles after showering. That put me in a MUCH better mood. I took Frog for a walk, and then...I got to feel again. It's a beautiful day, indeed. It feels like september, or october. Those are my favorite months, from october to january (although I'm not sure now, because a lot of D's story happened around that time). The days are clear and windy.
And when I came back home with Frog, I knew I had to get to work on something, to keep me this way. I got into my bedroom...and I could feel depression taking over. I love my bedroom, it's my fort...but not this time. I HAD to get out. I needed sunlight, air.
So I took out my Discman and put on The Beatles 1. I dragged all the stuff I had to work on to the table in the terrace and I worked there. I worked a lot, but it wasn't an effort at all. I finally felt motivated.
The motivation is fading out now, but if there's something I've learned is to never deny the fact that I was feeling ok (motivated in this case) at a certain point, and also that no one will ever take that away.
This morning was different from the rest. I had never felt the sense of life was gone...not so suddenly, anyway. Not as soon as I open my eyes when I wake up. I couldn't get the good feelings I used to get by going to the garden.
Even when I got out of the shower, I felt horrible, useless, meaningless. Like I'm spending my life locked up, surrounded by four walls. I know that on the other side of the walls there's...everything. The world. Good things to enjoy and bad things to fix. But I can't seem to unlock myself.
Besides some details (one day I'll make a list) there is one thing that brings sense to my life: helping people. That's why I'm studying psychology. But it seems like no one needs MY help (they need help but not mine), and when they do, what I do is not enough.
I'm not good enough for anything. I have no talent for anything, there's nothing that'd make me special, stand out from the rest. I know, that should be my purpose in life, look for a talent and use it. But I don't know why I feel so tired, why I'm so unmotivated, so...dead.
Well, if anything, while I was going through the enjoyable part of the morning, while I was working and feeling I was doing it right, while I was listening to The Beatles (like they were playing only for me), I thought that not everything has to make sense. I felt good at that time, and that was enough. Often, when you feel good because of something, you don't need to justify it.
(then why if something bad happens to you, you try to find a reason to justify it?)
****
Hi.
I'm sorry to bother you. Could you please tell me what happened (I think you should know what I'm talking about)? Just to have some peeace of mind. I'm sorry if I did something wrong. I'm sorry. I never meant to make you feel uncomfortable.
I swear I'll leave you alone for good, just tell me what happened. Please.
Goodbye.
I've been thinking of writing to D. Maybe that's all I need to finally heal: to know what really happened. I'm planning on keeping the promise: leave him alone for good. I'm already used to his absence, and I've learned to handle it. It wouldn't be so different from the way things are right now, anyway.
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