Once upon a time, my brother (the one in Houston) said he'd take me to Disneyland, along with his son, my nephew (a baby then) Renan. I was dying to go, I'd never been to the USA. So I went to the Embassy.

And my visa was denied. I couldn't go and I was heartbroken.

Eventually I got over it. By now Disneyland is not big deal for me, and I could live without visiting it. It's not a big dream of mine. Actually, it's not a dream at all.

I say this story because it's pretty much what's happening with D. Though he's a rat, not a mouse.

You see, I wrote him a letter. I'll e-mail it tonight. I don't know how everything will be between us (or if there'll be nothing) after he's read it. I love him, and sometimes I miss him...but he's changed. I've changed. I know it's impossible, there's no chance. Admitting this makes me feel a bigger void, but also like I've taken a huge weight off my chest, something I hadn't felt in a long, long time.

There's no other way. I don't know what his reply will be, or if there'll be a reply at all, but I need to do this. I need to know. It's just the dumb desire to know (as it won't make a real difference) and I'm willing to take the risk.

Only after we've lost everything we're free to do anything. - The almighty Fight Club quote. There's no better time to do this.

Victor and Cel helped me last night, encouraging me, telling me to think it over, asking me how I'll feel afterwards...I'm afraid I may regret it later...but then again, I may not. They say I HAVE to do it, because it'll be good for me, because it HAS to be of some use, at least to make him react.

Roll the dice get lucky
'cause they'll roll you for a dime
you got nothing else to lose
if you only lose your mind
when pleasure that is shallow
causes trouble to be deep
you'll be dustin' with the devil
while he sweeps you off your feet
Aerosmith - Don't Get Mad, Get Even

Hi.
I'm sorry for bothering you. I just would like to know what happened (you should know what I'm talking about). Just out of curiosity.
Forgive me if I did something wrong. I'm sorry, I never meant to make you feel uncomfortable.
I promise I'll leave you alone (we'll never talk about this again, and if you want we can stop talking to each other, or whatever you want), just tell me what happened. Please?

This is one of the hardest things I've ever done. And I mean *done*. Usually I'd never get my act together, and I'd put the hard-things-to-do off. But this words have to be read. By the person they're directed to.

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