Tuesday, 05/27/03 - 11:55 pm.
It never fails. I need to be with someone, and everybody disappears. It's just bad timing, nothing personal. They don't know I need someone to keep me company...and I can't let them know, because it so happens they've disappeared.
This started yesterday, in class. I sat alone, and all the desks next to me were empty. There were several people in the classroom (but not my mates, as this is the class they have in another classroom). But it made no difference. I'm not good friends with anybody there.
Since then, I've felt the need to talk. And to listen. Conversation. Connection. Some goddamn human touch.
I may be seeing D today, given I have to be very early at the UCA. I'd like to see him, but I wouldn't like to. I'd like to, because I'd like to feel again that we are friends. I wouldn't like to, because I know that won't happen. I go on antisocial-leavemealone-bitch mode, and that of course doesn't exactly make me look charming.
But I don't feel like being charming, anyway. Not even to him.
It's this paradox of needing to be alone yet wanting to have company. I always think I'm better off alone, it's less complicated, much more simple. But sometimes I'm willing to give up the comfort of this simplicity.
I feel I have no one to run to. My conversations with Victor have become a little decadent since he's with Angie. And that's alright, I knew it'd happen and I'm not jealous. I'm happy for them. And besides, I think it's a good thing. I got to tell Victor a lot of things that not everybody likes to hear, like my suicide "attempts" (or more properly, "my -lame- attempts to attempt suicide") and the cutting. He worried a lot and begged me to stop, and I hated to make him feel that way.
I have a lot of friends. But "casual" friends. I've made no new friends in college (doubt I will), and the ones I made in school are far away...phisically or emotionally (and right now I need both to be at my reach). Well, some of them hurt me a little, so I don't count on them a lot either. They're good people, really good people, but I tend not to trust a lot, so if they hurt me once, that's it. It's usually by accident, and I never tell them it hurt me, because I want to keep their friendship (if I got around to express my feelings, I'd probably end up beating the crap out of them, because I'm somewhat of a violent person...and no one could tell, because I keep it all inside). But I don't feel the way I used to feel. There's no security. I got hurt by accident once, I may get hurt by accident twice (and it's happened -or I let it happen-, actually...because "I want to keep their friendship").
The ones who are willing to help me have their share of problems, and usually they're worse than mine (I don't even know what my problem is, or if I have one for that matter), so it'd be very selfish of me if I added a new item to their list by taking away time from them to be invested on me. I'd rather not.
I bet if someone came and kept me company, and we talked and listened to each other, I'd still feel alone. Sometimes I feel it's all inside of me, no matter what. So maybe it's also "vocation for solitude" (Fidel would always tell me that I was a loner). I could always handle that. And whenever I couldn't, I'd at least accept it. Like right now.
I can cut and kill myself because I feel alone, but I don't deny that I am (if you want to be technical about it, there's God, but I still think there are other people with more important issues to solve and He should get at them).