Monday, 06/09/03 - 11:27 am.
I almost blew my head out while running in the machine this morning. I ran too fast, I guess. I just wanted to reach the limit on time. I did, but I got a headache, and I still feel too much blood in the head.
It was fun, though. Maybe one day I can die of a self-inflicted heart attack. It's less messy than slitting wrists (because then you have to clean up and stuff).
I had a dream last night. I've had the same dream before, but this was like a sequel...or more like a remake. Instead of walking, I'd go in a van and such things. I was also going to die two times (along with Cel and Vic) but something magical would happen and we'd make it out alive. I hated that. In my dream I loved the feeling I got from being lost, abandoned and at risk of dying.
But that's just me in a dream.
The clouds are gone. It's really sunny and this day in particular reminds me of those last days of high school after days and days of rain. More specifically, they remind me of the recesses I'd spend with Denver, or whenever I'd go to the cafeteria to buy "chocolate eggs".
(no, wait...it's starting to get cloudy again)
Today reminds me of those days and of other precious details. But I'm really not nostalgic. I just like to remember those times (besides, I can't help it). It makes me realize how life changes. My life right now is really different from what it used to be 8 months ago. And I think I wouldn't want it any other way.
But I'm uncomfortable at the same time. I don't know what to do with my future, I don't know what to do with myself. Sometimes I think of 1...and sometimes I just don't want to think of him. And it's not just him, it's my whole life. Or the life that revolves around mine.
It's not fair that I feel this bad. I shouldn't feel this bad. What's this pathetic side of me that has to feel so sad over everything and nothing? Maybe I'm too empathetic. I think life, the world, existence, whatever you want to call *it*, has more reasons to be sad than to be happy about.