Wednesday, 06/11/03 - 12:25 pm.
I was going to watch Friends, but Art started to pour his heart out, talking about Cel. Forget about Friends....how could I watch Friends and not be capable of being one?
I feel sorry for him, he's losing his mind, taking tranquilizers. He loves her so much, and she's just...better off without him. I don't know how to help him. Tomorrow it's his birthday...I'm not sure what to get him. He only wants Cel back, and that's the one thing that cannot happen.
I woke up this morning with "that" feeling again. Wanting to cry, wanting to die. It's all those little things that happened a long time ago that bother me...I can't believe I'm so goddamn weak.
I can't help feeling angry, upset, sad. It stills bothers me, all of the things I never said, and all of the things my friends did to me (not on purpose, most of the times). Veronica, Carmen, Denver...Norman, Roberto...I don't know. I never thought my feelings would translate very well into words. Maybe they did, but I wasn't capable of doing so. Or that I wasn't justified to feel that way. There are days when I love them, and I understand how important they are to me...but days like today I HATE THEM, and I hate myself for not making things work out.
It only takes an image from the past for me to get infinitely angry. Sometimes I wish I'd have reacted to the situation in a different way, but most of the times I just wish that situation had never happened.
So what's the fuckin' matter with me?!?!?! WHAT, WHAT, WHAT? I'm not a victim of anything, I've never gone through any major tragedy...so my friends screwed me over a couple of times everyday over several years, big deal!
I can't stand myself, I CAN'T STAND MYSELF and the fuckin' drama I seem to create. Is it justified? Am I justified to be in pain? I hate myself. And I hate them, for ignoring me, for pushing me over, for making me feel worthless. Is there a way to let them know? To let them UNDERSTAND? Is there a way to run away from them forever, to tell them I hate them for what they did, that I will never forgive them, and yet that I love them so much and that I know they never meant to hurt me?
I dreamed I was going to die. As usual, it was a weird dream. A pool in the middle of a street, and I was in it. It was public. I was with my mom, my sister and my nephew. I breathed in and dived...but I dragged down a pillow with me, and put it in my face. Then I couldn't take it off my face, and I could feel I was going to die asphyxiated, under water. But my sister screamed my name and I instinctively came back to the surface.
Then I dreamed of two angry dogs, that were being kept in a room with walls made of wood. They were furious, desperate to get out. And they brought down the walls, and people got scared. Someone called the cops to shot the dogs. They took the dead bodies away.
I don't know why I brought that up.
I don't know what to do. I don't know how to fix things. Maybe they can't be fixed, because they already happened. I feel so rotten inside.
But...there's gotta be a good part. I mean, there is. 1 and I...well, I think so. Yesterday it couldn't happen. Maybe today. But he has to know all this. It wouldn't be fair for him. I'd hate things to get screwed up. Because of me. Again.
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