I had a class today, at 2 in the afternoon. It was no fun, but it went by quickly. Not many people showed up, why did I? I have too much conscientiousness.

Christ, what a word.

I saw 1 for a little while. He was concerned about a project. That's something that always worries me. He barely gets any sleep at night, and he's not doing very well with the grades of some subjects. He works hard, he does. But his career involves working with codes and systems...it's a tough career.

Yesterday everything worked out perfectly for us. His 3:30 - 5:30 class got cancelled. My 4:30 - 5:30 class got cancelled as well. Then his 5:30 -6:30 class was cancelled, and I had that class off, so we even had a meal together. And I saw him after our respective 6:30 class (we happen to have in the same building, only on different floors).

I almost cried when I was with him, though. Yesterday I was very upset, for everything and for nothing. I couldn't tell him exactly what was wrong, because even I don't know.

I have nothing to be upset about, nothing definite. Sometimes I think I'm too empathetic, I read some of my favorite diaries and I cry when they're about something bad (some are REALLY bad). I read the news (the news in this country is never good) and there's always one thing that gets me that keeps bothering the entire day, until I read something else in the newspaper the next day.

My life is strangely good. I don't know what I did to deserve it, or if I'll be/do good enough to pay for it when I die. My life (just how many times have I said this?) is unbelievably blessed. I am aware of it, I'm thankful for it. I want to live on and find a way to fix everything I can, to make a difference in a lot of people's lives... and yet there's a part of that feels like is bleeding all of the time, rotten and broken, and only wants to end it all. It wants to end me, because it's no real use otherwise. I'm no use.

I just don't fuckin' get it.

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