Saturday, 10/04/03 - 10:54 pm.
So this is what's happened in the last 24+ hours.
1. Cornbread and discmans.
Victoria had called me the day before to ask me if I could lend her my discman for the weekend. I said sure, of course. When I hung up, I thought no...I'd better not. I mean, she could lose it, or fuck it up.... The next day, when I was leaving for the UCA, a little voice inside of me said: don't be such a bitch. Lend it to her. So I packed up the discman in my backpack. When I arrived to the UCA and saw her, she said: I've brought you something, for you and your parents. It was some kind of cake (the one my dad enjoys with coffee). I suppose it was her way to say thank you for all the times she asked for a ride and my dad took her home after classes. As I said thank you, I gave her the discman. And then my little voice said: Imagine how awful you'd have felt...she being so kind and giving you a thank-you present, and you trying to find a good excuse to hide the fact that you were selfish and would not lend her a discman for three days. Simeon knows best.
2. New guitar.
It's beautiful, but the strings suck. My parents got it for me, they made me choose on the phone. I, being impatient to get it, could not say: "don't buy it yet, I'll go and see them myself". My dad described both to me over the phone, and I went for the one that sounded more attractive. I was regretful all day (got it yesterday), but now I'm used to it. For what I've found out, asking Victor and my boyfriend, the strings are made of steel, but I can always change to nylon ones. So it's all good. I'm now trying to get better at changing chords.
3. I'm mad at my boyfriend.
1 always complains that we should have more time together, that apparently my dad has a leash on me, and says that hopefully one day I "will be free...WE will be free" (ugh, what a drama queen he is). I tell him it's not my dad's fault. He said I should lie to him, I should tell him I'll be dismissed later, so we can be more time together.
Yesterday he was upset because I was leaving, and said "but it's not your fault...the children must not pay for the father's sin". I asked him, trying to hide my building anger, what his sin was. "Well, he is so INTOLERANT!".
I kept quiet meanwhile, but I sent him a text message at midnight: About the "intolerance" of my dad...you certainly have no right to judge him in any way, because you do not know him at all. I got an e-mail from him this afternoon, apologizing, saying I was right and that he only was upset because I was leaving and he feels we don't spend enough time together.
Either way, he's touched this fiber that MUST NOT be touched: my family. My family means everything to me, I owe them everything in life and they're the reason why I'm alive (I mean that). And then he comes and makes a hurtful judgement: "your father is intolerant". Who the fuck does he think he is? He doesn't know my father, all he knows is that my father is always on time to pick me up, if I set an specific hour he says "I'll be there", and he is. I would hate to lie to my dad and take advantage of his responsability.
My dad IS intolerant, but only as a driver...and well, perhaps when it comes to my boy friends. But all in all he's a great dad, and a wonderful man, wise, responsible and thoughtful, who's always given me the space I need. I almost cried when 1 said that about my dad, that was so fuckin' unfair (God, you should've listened to his tone). I don't think I will ever forgive him.
Being with 1 has made me given up on relationships. I don't think I'll date anyone after him (bless his heart, he thinks it's because we'll get married and live happily ever after). I'm not capable of falling in love (and when I do, the object of my affection doesn't feel the same). In general, I kind of like being on my own, with no hands and lips all over me all of the time (and yet he says I "should be free"). Plain and simple.
3. I'm not applying for the scholarship.
I went to a meeting this morning, to get some information about the scholarship. It sounds like a one-in-a-lifetime opportunity, they pay everything, you meet people from all over the world...you know how it goes, going to some university (practically for free!) abroad. But in the end, the cost it's too high for me.
The subjects I'd take in Spain would be general culture mostly...deeply interesting, but not necessarily related to my career, psychology. My sister said it didn't matter, the experience is what counts. But my parents and my brother #3 say I should think it over, about what will happen when I do come back, six months later.
What will happen? I will come to find that all of my classmates are ahead of me, that I've lost an entire year of my career. I can make it up, yes, but like my brother said, it's a huge emotional, psychological weight not everybody can carry. So, no, I won't apply. I wanted to go, really, I wanted the experience and the status ("oh, hi, I won a scholarship for St. Louis University in Madrid, Spain, when I was 18"). But I don't feel too bad about it, to be honest. I don't see many chances like this one coming, but I love this career so much I will fight for the opportunities I believe in. This is not one of those opportunities. I'm not very convinced.
It would be like me joining an international circus for a semester to earn a loaf of bread everyday on the road, when I'm the owner of a bakery in town....well, that's what Simeon said, I don't know if that makes sense. But you get the point.
4. I went to see a play.
I don't go to the theatre, but I always wish I did. There's a Theatre Festival for children this month, and my sister and nephew invited me to see one of the plays. Good God! it was such an amazing play, "the frog and the princess". I loved it, it was wonderful! And the actors (only three) danced really well, they were professional dancers. The guy who played the prince-who-turned-into-a-frog was just beautiful, and he made me reconsider what I said about giving up on relationships. What a beautiful guy. He made so many faces, was such a wonderful actor, and was really handsome. I was melting, honestly.
Kids got on my nerves, and they were so out of control that the actors almost stopped the play to get them offstage...but over all, I loved the play. The actors were very talented...and I love that guy (I don't even know his name).
5. Blah.
Well, I'm tired. Between taking care of my nephew (who slept over last night) and going to the UCA and going to the theatre, I've barely had time to work on my UCA assignments for the weekend. I guess I'll push myself to the edge tomorrow. It's been such a busy day. The best part? The frog guy, definitely (*heart*).
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