Monday, 12/03/01 - 11:56 a.m..
Yesterday it was a complete hell.
Rebeca was still mad, almost the whole day. Now, Renan was also mad, because Rebeca had asked him to wait for her to do all the holiday decoration, but then she wasn't helping. So they spent the whole day fighting and calling down each other, one for being selfish and wanting to do it all by himself, the other for making lose time and then waste it doing other shit but the holiday decoration. Oh, yes. And both for calling each other "cheater", while playing this Harry Potter game they were playing. It was raining, my brother was busy with the laundry and was preparing lunch, since Denise had to work on a presentation in the computer.
Good, the kids ignored me all day, but I also chose to stay away from them. They'd never listen to me anyway. All I did in the morning was sort the clothes and tell who those belonged to. The socks were particulary annoying. And I was bored to death, so I watched Alice In Wonderland...well, I tried, but my brother would get in every 10 minutes and ask me if I really wanted to watch that, since he wanted to listen to a christmas CD he'd bought (which turned out to be really, really crappy). Denise said that geez, I'd already answered him that I did want to watch the movie, and he said he was sorry, that I could turn it on again but then I realized I wouldn't pay attention to it. So the crappy music went on.
Anyway, I'll make it short...in the afternoon, my brother went out to purchase batteries (yet he stayed longer for the sales and bought more than batteries) and Denise kept working. I watched another movie (pure crap, boring and senseless). The kids were working on the christmas tree and had been discussing the whole afternoon (it was about 5 pm) and finally, Rebeca went out of the living room, and Renan ran behind her saying I'm gonna hit you!!!. I ran behind them while Rebeca was screaming and Renan was all over her....I showed up and I screamed with all the voice I had, at the top of my lungs: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU KIDS? KNOCK IT OFF, DAMMIT! FUCK, STOP IT ALREADY!!!!. I can't remember their faces at that moment. I went to Renan's room, then got out a few seconds later, and Renan was fightning with Denise, and thank God she's learned to control herself. She sent them both to their bedrooms. She didn't say anything to me about that "episode".
At night, things kinda cooled off, my brother talked to both. I was still pissed off and I ignored them. Well, I suppose they didn't even notice since they were also ignoring me and didn't say a word to me yesterday. The hell with those little kids. I decided to sleep in the living room instead of in Renan's bedroom. My brother told me, before I went to bed, that I shouldn't forget that after all, they're only kids (either Denise told him the "bad words" I used and the way I screamed or he was just amazed that I said to him, in front of Renan, that no way I was helping them with the christmas tree in the future). He said it in a sweet, nice way, as if it was an advice he had just came up with. I appreciated that, but I wish I had told him what I really was thinking. I'm not heartless than you. I have never beat them with a belt, you have. He just does it when he's way out of control, which is not often. He's just done it a few times, no more than four in his 9 years of being a parent, I think. But I should have told him. I hate it. I hate when I have something I want to say and I just cowardly keep it to myself.
I want to be the devil.
I don't regret what I did. I didn't feel better after I yelled, but I don't regret it. And I even question myself if I really did it, since I didn't get any reaction from them. But I know I did. I'm sorry for all that happened yesterday but I still don't regret what I did. When I was on my way to Rebeca's room to stop Renan, I even thought I should get a knife or something, or else they wouldn't listen to me. No, of course I didn't get anything, dammit. But I thought about it.
After both kids were in their bedrooms, I went to the bathroom and started crying. I wanted to go home. I wanted to be home. Up to the present time, I'm still crying, but because I have some kind of rage, anger that I can't get out. I'm still pissed off, I'm mad at the kids. I don't know the specific reason, but it does have to do with yesterday. I was really annoyed. I haven't gotten out of the house since I came here. Only to go to the supermarket and to drop off or pick up the kids. My brother asked me yesterday if I wanted to get out, but he was cooking while he was asking, duh. There's a mall 10 minutes away, you could go walking whenever you want...I could go. I. Alone. I don't want to grow up. I want to be taken care of again. I'm not ready to leave the life I've been living for 16 years, I'm not ready to live the life of a fucked up grown up. I miss my home. This is not my home, this is only a bad joke. All I wished for last night, was to go home. But not even home...I didn't want to be with people. I hated people. I wanted to go some place where there wasn't anybody, I didn't want to remember what had happened, I wanted to get lost and have amnesia for the rest of my life.
I wonder where I get all the anger from. Sometimes it's too much, I can't seem to handle it very well. I've been doing so much for the kids, because I truly love them, like running from the bus stop to the house and running back just to get a book for Renan. And suddenly, I don't want to have them around, I yelled at them and wanted them to insult them. It hurts me to say that but I feel like saying it. They were the only people I hadn't feel that way before. But no more. I've hated everybody in my life, for at least 3 minutes. Maybe I need therapy. Sometimes I feel like beating the crap out of someone, though seconds later it stops me the image of that person, bleeding to death, and I feel heartless, weak and worthless, for even thinking about such cruel thing. But still, I don't know if it's normal to be this way. It must be normal for me, it's in my genes. My family is quite moody.
Shyeah, what an excuse to hurt people.
I don't need a friend, I need a shrink. Though I don't think it's a big deal. Everybody gets out of control once in a while. I was just annoyed yesterday. Sick of hearing those kids talking crap, because both were right and both were wrong at the same time. Sick if being in the house the whole time, doing housework. Sick of it all. I don't want to be with people. Not now. I don't want to get back, because I'd have to talk to my "friends". Carmen will be weeping out of school or incredibly happy for still being there, Veronica will be weeping because his boyfriend got thrown out, the guy will be weeping wanting to get laid, yetta, yetta, yetta....at least here I have an excuse not to call them. But it's a conflict between staying here or going back. Yet I'm not coming back for the people but for the place. I don't want to see people [*notice the contradiction between not wanting to be with people and wanting to be taking care of...alien paternal units must have dropped me off by accident in earth, and kept my twin brother*].. You can't trust them. Any of them. Maybe for one or two days. A few weeks, some months...even years, but sooner or later, they fuck up. And the later, the worse.
People is like the animals in the zoo...watch them, enjoy them, but don't give them your hand to feed, much less try to get close to them. What's worst?....that I'm "people" too.
I had a weird dream saturday night. I'm not gonna talk about it as much as I wanted, because of this miserable incident of yesterday. But there was another blond guy, and this time I knew who he was, and he looked at me with the sweetest eyes I've ever seen. Anyway, I'll get to the last part of it. Not that the first part and the half-time (the half-time dream featured Liv Tyler) weren't interesting but it's too long. The thing is, we were in this weird flea market, it was about 11 pm and there was some kind of riot. People chasing people with some kind of spray. He was trying to cover me with a blanket to protect me and he'd get sprayed instead of me, but I covered him instead and they sprayed me. The spray was some kind of acid to kill, but that was because people were allucinating that everybody was becoming a cyborg. Quite stupid, I know. So this acid would destroy cyborgs. But as I said, they were just allucinating, and all that it took to realize that would be a mirror. So they'd sprayed me and I saw smoke coming out of me...then I saw myself in a mirror and I was not a cyborg, I was a person. I wasn't smoking, I was bleeding. There was blood all over my face and clothes. He was in front of me, horrified, since he could still see me as what I was, not as a cyborg. And I died, in front of me. Aaaww....the-end.
(*standing ovation by Simeon*).
I'm still mad. I was trying to make cookies for the kids but they just didn't turn out ok. Fuck it, fuck it all.. I thought that'd help me feel better. Well, actually, I do feel better. But it's because there's no one around. Oh, yes, to top it all off....yesterday, I was watching TV before I went to bed and they announced the bands who are currently on tour....Yes, Aerosmith was the first to be mentioned. Dallas, december 5th. Why don't you take the bus?, said Denise (or my brother, I can't really remember). Sure, hell, yeah. I'll take the bus. Seeing Aerosmith live is so easy when you don't know the town and you have no money. Not to mention, the concert is not at 12:30 in the afternoon, it'll finish late, what the hell am I gonna do at midnight in a city the only thing I know it's its name, with no money, probably withouth have seen the band because the tickets were sold out before I got there, huh? C'mon, think with some logic. This is not a fuckin' fairy tale.
Princesses don't get themselves in a mental assylum for having passive-agressive behavior and other emotional disorders.
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