Friday, 03/19/04 - 10:59 am.
- Me: It's a universal law of that university, for me...you see someone two days in a row and then you never see them again.
- D: I heard it was because, according to a recent research, the buildings of the campus are infected with kryptonyte and several mutations of the X rays.
- Me: I heard it was because of the different schedules.
I talked to D last night, for about 5 minutes. He always does that "gotta go, bye", thing shortly after we've started to talk. Always. Maybe he decides to block me. Maybe he just really leaves. It's none of my bussiness.
Sure he left me aching. I cried a little bit before I went to bed. But it's not like I don't have reasons to live. Since I said I was going to kill myself at 27, I have been more aware of all the things I have, and of all the people I can count on. My family, my four UCA pals, Head, Mikey and Cel. They are who I really can count on. Not really "I can count them with one hand", because my family alone is big. You know, parents siblings and siblings' significant others and/or kids. And my pets. And my pschology goals. You know, there are actually a lot of things for me to live for.
I have the death wish, but since right now I am alive, I might as well do something worthwhile. I want to leave something with my name and work on it, so my soul can come and visit the world of the living, and can get inside the head of whoever gets in touch with that something. I've remembered my inspiration.
Even more so, I've set up age 32 to kill myself in case at 27 I'm still a failure.
The truth is I have up and downs. I did a search on sadness. I found sadness explained for kids, and I discovered sadness isn't exactly what I'm feeling. I feel sad, but there's no reason to be so. Then I found the differences between sadness and depression. I've always known they're not synonims, but the reading was enlightening, it helped me define both concepts a little better. But all I could conclude was that I have something between both. Because sadness is supposed to be something transitory. And depression...there's no way I could ever develop that.
Maybe it's something more like melancholy...ok, the problem is that, whatever I feel (the blues, sadness, melancholy), it's not justified. I feel things in my heart, bearable pain like a papercut, but I have no thought that connects with those feelings. I stop and think "what is this thing I'm feeling?". I wonder if it's a situation I've created myself...I try to ignore it, and I can't. It's not something I can forget. You don't forget feelings while you're still feeling them.
Yesterday I was alone, reading (I was at the UCA already). On this bench that seems to have become of my property. I was reading, and not quite concentrating, when suddenly someone sits next to me. It was my brother Carlos (the one who works there, who got a master degree and it's the coordinator of the career of psychology...a big, very important position, I tell you). He made my day. He said: I was just going to buy you the book.
So he went and bought me the book (about neuropsychology...since he works at the university, he gets discount on books). And then came back to me, and asked me if I wanted something to drink. And he bought me a coke.
And then we talked and walked until we got to his office, because he had to come back to work. He's always saying: anything you need, call me up or something. He's always there, and he's always looking after me. He keeps me up to date on everything about the career of psychology at the UCA, and he helps me with the paperwork whenever he can. He's kind of like my godfather over there. I'm very thankful for all the things he does for me.
It's his birthday today, so I baked cookies for him and got him a card. It's also Irene's birthday, and I got her a biscuit, for which I plan on placing a candle in the middle of it. And the four of us (Angie, Victor, Victoria, yours truly) will sign a card. She'd better come to class today, and not decide to skip because she's too tired after coordinating the St. Joseph's Day Party at the ESJ.
Because it is St. Joseph's day at the ESJ (my school), you know? She gets very involved with everything at school (she lives across the street, as well, so it's easy for her...she even got a job as P.E. teacher). The seniors throw a party this day, it's a big tradition of the school...I thought of going, but yesterday I realized I didn't really want to go.
Tangents, tangents. After I said goodbye to my brother, my especial moment of the day happened. I don't have that habit of choosing a "especial moment" every day. They don't happen everyday, really. But I keep my mind open for when they do happen.
So it was 5:00 pm. And when I was on my way to class, with my backpack on, with a neuropsychology book on one hand and a coke on the other, I heard the bells from a distant church. I love to hear those bells, they remind of The Sound Of Music. I was alone, surrounded by books, and building A was in front of me.
It sounds simple. It is simple, and maybe pointless. But it made me happy. Completely. All the time, since I noticed it was my brother who was sitting next to me, until I arrived to the classroom (with the coke, the book, the bells echoing in my head) I was feeling...infinite. Like somebody could cut my body open, and they'd find the universe, that is believed to exist outisde planet earth, inside of me.