Thursday, 03/25/04 - 1:04 pm.
Hello. Right now, I've got a papercut in my index finger (I was arranging my psychology material), three blisters (I was playing guitar) and a ying-yang bracelet (that my mom said was beautiful and couldn't believe that costed only $2...I love it).
However down I was feeling last week and the week before and all of the time after that, I don't feel like that anymore. I don't have time to do anything else but freaking out about classes. I have so much to read and to write about. But I love psychology, of course, so although I am complaining, I am enjoying it. And not having time to think of anything else has me feeling a little better. A little alienated, like I have nothing to do with myself, but at least I don't dwell on the usual stuff I dwell on.
Now that I'm feeling nothing, I find very stupid that I break down. I realized the things I feel in my heart (yeah, ok, in the hypothalamus) are really not connected to any thought. I feel sad over nothing...and I don't mean "nothing" as in "something that doesn't have a lot of importance", I mean really nothing. Nothing at all. So it's a relief that I don't feel like that anymore, I'm not wasting energy on pointless strong feelings. With so many people feeling depressed (real depression) in this world, I shouldn't focus on unjustified feelings of mine.
It's just that I fear that sooner or later I'll start feeling like that again. Sad over nothing, a little melancholy. It's phases, I say to myself, I have periods of feeling down and periods of feeling...head above water, or something. And this one voice tells me I won't feel like I do now (almost blisfully numb) forever. My head always finds a reason to break down, reasons that my I (speaking in Freudian terms) cannot comprehend.
I think my It and my Over-I are dysfunctional, thus causing my I to get overly confused (ok, for those who don't know Freud's theory, in a nutshell: the It is like your instinct, your quest for well-being avoiding pain; the Over-I is the principle of perfection, the ideal of what you want to be; and the I is in the middle, trying to balance both, living in reality...yeah, sometimes the I fails to do its job, and you become anxious and stuff. I don't think my I has failed, though, it's just that my other two charachters are not doing a good job being each other's nemesis).
There was a tribute to The Beatles two days ago. I hated not being there, but I had class at the time. It wasn't at the UCA, it was at a normal theater. It was a Big Band tribute, with professional musicians. The newspaper says the singers kind of sucked at times. What do I care, I wanted to be there. But I don't skip a single class, because of my Over-I. Besides, I'm having a little problem understanding a few thematics, and I don't feel smart enough to skip these complex classes and then catch up, knowing I'll understand everything. The concert was so successful that they'll repeat the concert, next tuesday at 7 pm. Fuck, I can't make it either. Tuesday is the worst day of the week for me (at least this semester). May the Fab Four forgive me.
Somebody must come up with a word equivalent to "fuck", only longer. So the exclamation will make a bigger impression. "Fuck" just doesn't do it for me anymore. Maybe "fuck, fuck, fuck".
Fuck, fuck, fuck, I can't make it. Tuesday is the worst day of the week for me (at least this semester).