Not as bad as it looks.
Thursday, Dec. 13, 2001 - 12:12 a.m..

Yet another evening spoiled by a spoiled child. Renan got mad because of the food. Renan-bro and Denise had a dinner or something, so they went out and took Rebeca. I stayed home with Renan, to whom I didn't say a word except for "go take and bath", twice. He was reading anyway and when he reads....he can't be interrupted, God forbid. I was feeling a bit depressed. Renan was very ungrateful, after all I did for him since I picked him and Rebeca up (I'll do ourselves a favor and ommit it). Stupid kid. He's quite selfish sometimes.

I'm in a bad, bad mood. Last night I cried while I was having supper. Spaguetti. Again. I'm getting sick of it. Then I just wrapped myself up in a blanket. I wanted to get sick and have an excuse to go to bed and not do anything. I wanted my skin to burn in fever. Kind of self-destruction. Then I started closing my eyes, like I was falling asleep but everytime I'd close them, I started to hallucinate, hearing voices in the back of my head (that's sick)...some girl calling her daddy from upstairs on christmas morning (that's sick, too). I just heard her voice and somehow I knew the context (that's way sick).

I watched TV after I had supper. I watched Whose Line Is It, Anyway? and Frasier. I laughed so much at a certain point of the show that my stomach was hurting so badly. And for nothing...Niles (I love Niles...*standing ovation*) had this parrot named Baby. He lifted her and she said Niles sucks!. Holy fuck, I kept on laughing for the next 15 minutes of the show. Just because of that. What an idiot.

If there's something I hate, it's getting up in the morning, to deal with the kids and sometimes with their parents. I'm pissed off until the four of them leave. Tomorrow...well, I have to go to church to take Renan to the choir. It's another church, at...one eternity from here. Dammit. I'll have to take the bus (and probably get lost for hours) if a certain lady can't pick him up. But anyway, I'll always have to go.

I'm sick of getting up so fuckin' early in the morning, I'm sick of having to deal with those spoiled children. Ok, maybe not sick, just awfully annoyed. I need a change. I don't know a change of what, but I need something. What the fuck is this that I need so bad but don't even have a clue what it is? I'm messed up, I'm totally fucked up. Everything sucks. It sucks that I didn't bring Get A Grip. It has the song Fever in it. One of my favorites from the album (I guess...).

Yeah, yeah, I know...it's a shame I'm feeling this way, because it's actually not as bad as it looks. It is not, indeed. But fuck it, I'm tired of always doing the right things so that everybody can dance and be happy, lending my happiness to everybody else because I love them (ok, we've got a conflict here...). Because no one never appreciates it as much as I expected, despite all the efforts I make. I do my best, but it's never enough. And is not because I want to be rewarded or anything, it's because it's always good when you do what you feel, know is right and someone tells you that you did it right. I think that's what's been bothering me. I think that's why I've felt so hateful...something hurts. Something is not right in my life. I have a problem and I think I know what it is: everybody else.

Fever may be hell and a cross to bear
as long as I'm in Heaven, honey, I don't care
You look so good, baby, look so fine
I tell you you're the image of the perfect crime
You get so tired holdin' on so tight
if you think you're going crazy
well, you may be right!!!
yeah, we're all here
'cause we're not all there....

That's right.

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