Of war tortures and being misjudged.
Saturday, 05/01/04 - 11:59 pm.

April has gone so fast. Too fast, maybe.

I was reading today how people are shocked about the tortures in Iraq. Silly people, what did they expect? War means prisioners, prisioners mean tortures. For sure. Have two World Wars taught the world nothing?

I wasn't surprised. I was going to throw up when I saw the pictures -pig soldiers- but I wasn't surprised. Bush says "our government doesn't do that". Can't he? he's done it so, as the Lennon saying goes. Oh, no, the american government doesn't do that. To the americans. I remember a certain torture during the civil war here, in which the prisioners were forced to shove a toothbrush up their own asses, and then brush their teeth with it.

Humans are very creative when it comes to torture.

Somebody called me a communist today. Because I said the only progress in this country consisted of roads and cellphones. I'm a fuckin' communist, trade-unionist, leftist and terrorist. Because to that person, all those terms are synonims.

I have never encountered someone SO paranoid and close-minded. I tried to tell him communism, aside from the Cuba situation, doesn't exist since WWII, and that it's a failed system. He answered I could stick my communism I-know-where. Oh, gosh, how could I EVER compete against such strong statement that's an entire contradiction to what I'd just told him?

Guess what? using the power bestowed by the science of the psyche, I hereby declare this pathology (fearing communism as a current threat, and seeing a communist in everybody who doesn't agree with them and applying arbitrary synonims) the Altamirano Syndrome. Because I am really hardcore.

If we're going to speak in hypothalamical terms, in terms of emotions, that is, I have been emotionless. Not quite emotionless, just calm. I do hate that, now that I don't have the pressure of the midterms, I no longer have an inspiration to write.

I did get a little emotional this morning, because I remembered a comment from last night's dinner (hang on, this a "dear diary" moment). You see, last night, while having dinner, the hostess offered me a few things to eat, and I said, no thank you, I don't eat a lot and I've lost the habit of the evening meal.

She doesn't eat much, my brother said afterwards, she's an embarrasment for the family. You can't tell how hurt I was by that comment.

Ok, my brother is wonderful, really. But he's said that comment twice. I know I shouldn't take it personally, because I know he loves me and all, but...I can't help it. "Embarrasment for the family" is a strong statement. Ok, I don't eat a lot, whereas my dad and brothers do. I can't be mad at him for saying that, but I'm really hurt. And this damn new-found habit of analyzing everything in freudian terms is making me think there's something in his subconscious that doesn't trust in me.

When he was in the US and we'd talk on the phone, he'd get a little defensive when we brought up the topic of my studies. He'd ask me how I was doing, I said great, wonderful, and he'd said mmmmhhh, alright, don't get too confident. In a "you might fail" tone. I wanted to tell him to stop using that tone with me, I wasn't "too confident", and I was doing my best and even more. But of course I didn't. I only replied "yeah". I'm sure that made me sound like I was actually doing something bad and I was taking his advice of not doing it anymore.

I don't think he really means that, just because I don't eat a lot, I'm an embarrasment for the family name. But it hurts anyway. I've always felt I'm going to be most useless of my parents' children. I've always felt I'll amount to nothing, compared to what my siblings have already accomplished.

Stupid subject, I don't know why I brought it up. I wasn't thinking about this when I started typing the entry. Now I'm all tearful and I kind of want to kill myself to avoid failure.

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