Wednesday, 05/05/04 - 10:25 pm.
- Me: what are you studying, anyway?
- Trent: as of now, I am studying you, ma'am.
- Me:I mean, in college...what are you studying?
-Trent: nothing.
(yes, it's true...I think)
As you can tell, I talked to him for a while this afternoon. I was alone, doing nothing, when heard him someone jumping down stair by stair (I was by a staircase). And with a giant leap from the penultimate stair, he landed in front of me, squatting like a frog (and that's how he stayed during our conversation).
I wouldn't be able to type in here all the things we talked about, although it was just a couple of minutes. But yes, it makes sense that he isn't studying anything because he's always in the cafeteria. He said he'd like to study something like psychology, but didn't want to talk like one (*cough*).
That fuckin' guy is a mindfuck. He looks right into your eyes while having the conversation, and gestures and swings his arms. He said I'm a great person to talk to and seemed to like my terms (wow, that's a beautiful concept). And it's like he's got mercury instead of muscles and his blood is composed of just adrenaline.
He got up and walked away when Cel was coming my way, but he quotes famous authors instead of saying goodbye.
He makes you feel special, really. But then I realize that if he makes everybody feel special, then I'm not special at all. I'm 100% sure he doesn't like me. And right now that's making me feel empty and somewhat unspecial.
But perhaps, getting practical about it, it'd be too much trouble if I let myself fall for him (more than I already have). Maybe he's not a crush. Maybe I'm only mentally attracted to him...you know, like Freud was intellectually attracted to Jung, or something.
As a matter of fact, I want to be with him all the time, just talking. He's too much for me. Cel is wrong, he's the one out of my reach and not the other way around; AND he doesn't like me. I mean, he seems impressed, at times, by the things I say. I'm just impressed by the way he literally nails his eyes on me while I'm talking. But there's not much more than that.
But I can live with that. I want him to be my friend. He doesn't really ignore me, but he's like Cel, or worse, when it comes to bump into friends all the time. If Cel has "just add water" friends, he's got "shake well" friends.
(I met another friend of Cel's today, by the way...he's funny, he seems to be manic-depressive, minus the depression...yeah, ok, he's just a maniac...I can't keep up with him, and I'm wondering if he's got some injury somewhere in the brain...but he's great, really)
Anyway, I was saying...he doesn't ignore me. But he's got so many friends I know there's no way I could be the highlight of his day. I was outside the classroom today, he was walking a friend to the same classroom (she's my classmate but I don't know her). Five people later, he came up to me and shook my hand: "hi, long time no see you" (I'd been talking to him just 3,600 seconds ago).
I gave him something. I drew something on a piece of black paper, and I wrote a quote from Prozac Nation (the one about Das Kapital). I folded the piece of paper and I stuck it in candy wrap, so it'd look like a candy. And I gave it to him, saying I had a candy for him...ok, sweet. We call him sweets, like the british, yes? So he said something along the lines of people who give sweets are very sweet.
But like I said, that was not a sweet (candy).
Maybe it's him, or maybe it's just my self-destructive cycle coming again, but I'm eating less. My breakfast is half a bowl of cereal, lunch is half a plate of whatever there is, and dinner is a granola bar. Although there's a reason...I am a little fat. Not so much, and I don't want to be anorexic. I just should stop eating for a while. And also I feel this black whole in my stomach very often, that makes me want to curl up like a fetus (what Freud calls "regression", psychological regression) and stay like that. I'm just in the mood for getting sick, I guess.
I had a heartache the whole morning, too, but that was Trent's fault for sure. I mean, physical heartache. I could feel my heart crashing against my ribcage, and I was wondering if it'd be possible for it to get so tired that it'd just stop.
Everything is so simple, my relationship with him is so simple and...ok. But my mind just keeps building it up more and more. And I say to myself: "self, stop insisting". And myself won't stop.
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