Sunday, 05/09/04 - 9:11 pm.
The lunch we (my family and I) had scheduled for Mother's Day almost turned into a disaster. My sister's house flooded (what in the fucking world?!), my brother's girlfriend's grandmother's sister died, and my other brother, who'd been on a 24 hour shift at the hospital (from 7 am yesterday until 7 am today), was called to assist the mother of a friend, who died near noon. And so, everybody was really late.
But in the end, if you're going to get technical about it, everything was ok. We ate at a horrible place and came home to eat some cake and open presents.
Last night, as I tried to make clear with my entry, I was feeling depressed. Completely depressed. I had to *cough*slit*cough* my wrist a little, out of frustration. My soul, as Joseph once said, was very heavy. And when that happens, I just cannot move, I can't get a fucking thing done. I feel like a corpse, if corpses feel anything at all.
I'm starting to feel like that again, and when that happens I get anxious, because I can't do anything...and it just so happens I have a lot of work to do. I'll survive, yes, but if I felt like I felt last night for three months straight, I'd definitely kill myself, without a doubt. It's a horrible feeling. Crying non-stop, that void in the middle of your body...I know it's not depression, because depression is long-term...this thing hits me and lasts a night or two days, and then goes away to come back eventually.
You don't care about this, but it's been very hot lately. I tend to think that also has got a lot to do with my bad, suicidal mood.
I've had my share of joy, though. Not everything is wrong. My best-est friend Angel called me from Canada last night and we talked for 17 minutes, 34 seconds. And Cel called me today, to thank me for all the little details I gave her throughout the week (it was her birthday yesterday, so I made a few little presents...little avant-garde presents, you know? for I am so hardcore).
Well, among The Stranger, Poe's stories, coming up with hypothesis, and Mother's Day celebrations with my family (although here Mother's Day is celebrated on the 10th) I've improved my mood a little, but I still wish to remain still. I have stuff that's bothering me, yes, but I'm not about to start talking about that now, because soon queer eye for the straight guy will start, and I watch it with my brother, Alan. Let me remind you this is one of the last sunday nights I'll get to laugh with him.
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