As the world turns around and not my way, I have become a dead lizard.
Wednesday, 05/12/04 - 10:09 pm.

Ok, what happened today may sound very typical of my life these days, as it involves me talking with Joseph, but the end of the story is not what most people would've expected. I wasn't expecting it, and I ended up in my bedroom with smeared mascara and hysterical laughter.

Wait...first, I got a shot today. Some happy vaccination campaign. It's been YEARS since I got a shot, so it was somewhat of a thrill for me. It hurt good, so good.

My guitar lessons started today, in the same place where I took them last semester. I was on my way there when Joseph was coming my way. He seemed to be in a very somber mood, and I asked him what was wrong. He said his heart was wrecked, and I told him, I have a spare hour at 5:30. In case he wanted to talk about it (I've heard from Freud, and his mentor, Breuer, that talking does wonders).

We met at 5:30. He walked up and put his face very close to mine, saying his heart beat faster when I was around...or something along those lines. I suck at remembering poetry. But his isn't corny, so I can take it.

I gave him a picture that was on the newspaper today. A picture of the sky yesterday at 5:30. He asked me where I'd like to go, that he'd take me wherever I wanted to.

We didn't go anywhere, really. We walked around the campus, I was waiting for him to put into words the conflict in his mind. I have this dilemma..., he began. It's about a friend of yours...well, no, it's not even a dilemma....

We must've walked for 15 minutes, speaking of anything but his dilemma. And suddenly he speaks out...

- Him: I like Cel.
- Me: that's your dilemma?
- Him: that's the bottom line of it.

For what I've been saying about him this past week, that I am very kind of in love with him, anyone could think my world fell apart when he said that. But it didn't. Instead, I got very worried about him, because I knew he would never really get Cel. You can't ever get her, I told him. She'll always be with someone else. That always happened to me, when I wanted to be with her -I mean, not THAT way, of course-. I wanted to get close to her but there was always somebody else around her (at this point I was remembering senior high...but still, she's simply the best friend you could ever wish for).

He pulled me and made me sit on a bench. We talked about some other things, not related to Cel. He saw my choker (he was trying to make it "less thight", I guess he thought I was really choking) and told me there are 19 demons in his bedroom. He brought that up because my choker has a fairy, and the first demon he bought had a fairy on his shoulder (it's a long story, the one about that demon with a good soul).

It seems inevitable, like I said yesterday, that we bring up the days in which we had not met each other.

- Him: didn't you see I once tripped, right in front of you?
- Me: no shit! when?
- Him: it must've been like two weeks ago. I saw you sitting on a bench, your hair on your never made eye contact, but that day I finally saw you looking up...not to me, but I saw your eyes, and I stared at you while walking, and I thought, "fuck, she's gorgeous", and then I tripped. In front of you!
- Me: I didn't notice...I don't pay attention to external stimulus...
- Him: yeah, I can tell...
- Me: they're usually not directed to me, anyway.
- Him: well, this one was.

At some point, we made a promise or something (I don't even remember about what) and so I had to place my hand on know, like a Power Ranger and such. But he started to slide it on mine. I pretended I had to fix my hair (I did, anyway, my whole head is a mess) so I removed it after a couple of seconds. It just didn't feel right. He told me today, again, that I was the sister he always wished for. Plus, he's in love with Cel. I can't put myself in that situation. I just want for him to be happy and unhurt.

Right then, Cel was walking by us. she didn't see us at first, so I asked Joseph if he wanted to go somewhere else before she saw us (sooner or later she would). I don't run away, he stated. So we stayed there, talking about...stuff. Just stuff. Until she came and said hi.

She seemed to be in a somber mood, too (later I discovered she was also affected by Joseph's feelings...and she's in love with somebody else). She told us a little about her day, things had gone wrong for her and such. She kicked a trashcan nearby, out of anger, and destroyed it. It was kind of fun, but that only seemed to add more grief to her.

A friend of hers was waiting for her a little far away from us. So she said "I'll be back in a moment", and went to sit with him, and do stuff with him. She's doing it to make me jealous, Joseph told me. And looked at me...she knows. She knows he likes her. And I thought to myself, Jesus Christ, Cel...and you thought he liked me.

She came back, and they exchanged a few words...I felt it was my duty to leave, but I was afraid they'd take it the wrong way. Just remember...I am not here to be your obstacle, I am your most faithful dog, that's what Joseph said. And more. Much more. And Cel looked down. Oh, God, I was so scared she'd begin to cry. I was scared he'd begin to cry, too. I felt invisible at that time, and I wished with all my strenght to be really invisible so the situation between them wouldn't be anymore awkward with my presence.

She left. And Joseph turned to me...that was spiteful, wasn't it?. I thought he reminded me of the male charachter in The Lady of the Camillas, by Alexandre Dumas Jr. He asked me to tell him that story, about the man who hurt a woman because he loved her so. But I had to stop, I don't think I should tell you the the book. And then he said, we've talked for what? four, five's amazing how much you know me.

He walked me to class. On our way he asked me if he could see me tomorrow. Don't eat anything, I'll buy you whatever you Deal.

- Him: I didn't think I could ever be talking like this to you.
- Me: I didn't think I could ever talking to you.
- Him: why?
- Me: well, I saw you everyday, and you were this archetype I thought that one day would just vanish.
- Me: No, I don't plan on vanishing.

I gave him a plastic lizard. I told him about Prozac and Hare Krishna (the dead lizards, my pets until they disintegrated), and that I hoped the plastic lizard helped him feel better. He said I could make him feel better (no, not in a "let's have sex" way). Then class started and I left him. Until tomorrow afternoon.

When I came home, I cried. I said I wouldn't, but it was hurting much more than I expected. And it wasn't just me, it was them.

But it doesn't matter now. I am feeling better. I am going to be for him what he is for Cel. I mean, no, not a faithful dog, or something, I kind of hate that saying (I'd hate for him to say he is my "dog"). Just someone who's going to be for him all the time. He's not fucking around with me, he's genuinely attracted to me, in some funny, "I'd like to be inside your head, it'd be like Disneyland to me" way. That's enough for me, really. I didn't think it'd be possible for me to get a friend like him. Honestly, I'm ok.

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