Friday, 05/14/04 - 10:47 pm.
Small tidbits: I finally saw Grease, last night. And my cousin came over in the morning, and he's a riot!. That's why I bring him up.
This day, I was aware, was going to be a busy one for me, and I knew I wouldn't be able to see Joseph. But I thought, "after all, he won't care a lot, will he?".
At some point, early in the afternoon, my world fell apart...he walked me by, and didn't even look at me. Oh, no...God, please, no...no, no, don't do this me, please don't do this to me...no, no, no. I thought of D, whom I'd seen a few minutes ago. I thought of D, how he did the same to me in high school. And I knew that if Joseph had done it on purpose, I was done. My life was simply to stop.
I tried to keep myself from freaking out and bursting in tears, calm down, maybe he just didn't see you (dumb people who talk to themselves). I just tried to look normal, as I was with Victoria, on our way to the university administration building, to ask for the total number of students in my university...it's for a research, you know? Yeah, hi.
To my indescribable relief, Joseph was in the cafeteria and walked up to me. I told him he'd ignore me, and he said he was sorry, he didn't see me. He'd ask me for the book The Lady of the Camillas, yesterday, so I said I'd just go to the administration building and then I'd come back to give it to him.
I did. Oh, and I found out there over 9,000 (*cough*almost 10,000) students in my university.
I came back, gave him the book, and he asked me what I was doing today. Guitar lessons (this session was the best one ever), seminary, class. Busy all day long.
He showed me his hand, he was shaking. I thought it was because Cel was around. She came to say hi, and he said he'd hang out with her, since this pretty lady will be very busy today. He kissed me on the cheek, and put his hand on my face, pulling me closer...hey, baby sister, he whispered ('cause you know, he said I'm the little sister he always wanted). And I thought "ok, I'll be his little sister forever...as soon as he doesn't ever scare me again like he just did (by walking me by as if he was ignoring me), I think I can live with that...".
The whole day seemed to be the world against me. All I wanted to do was to walk by the cafeteria, to see him again, but things just kept coming in my way. I got very negative, and I realized things could never work out between us, because these upcoming weeks are just going to be academical hell for me.
And the seminary at 5:00, it was crap. As soon as I took a seat, I regreted being there. I thought I shouldn't have signed up for it, I just wanted to be with Joseph. I thought that maybe he was leaving by then (5:30) and that my weekend would be long, long, long.
I'm so stupid...I keep thinking he's my soulmate, but no, he's not. He doesn't see me like that, I'm like his sister. I should really, really stop building up hopes. I have no idea what the orator was talking about, drowned as I was in my own thoughts. No. His walking me by, however unintentional, was a wake-up call. Wake up! He's not in love in you, he'll leave one day and you'll feel miserable, knowing you'll never find anybody like him, ever.
I was about to get up and walk out in the middle of the speech. "Sir, I don't care sir, I have a man I need to see". But I didn't. I endured the whole goddamn seminary, the whole damn two hours.
It finally, FINALLY, ended, at about 7:10. and I got out of the auditorium. This building, I like it a lot. It's like an airport. I got the feeling I was going home, but then I remembered I actually had class.
In that moment...oh, God, in that moment. Joseph was there. Waiting for me. Sitting...no, laying down on a staircase. He was fucking waiting for me. I'll tell you something: that's the only thing I needed. And I didn't even dare to say "I kind of wish he was outside the auditorium when this shit ends", because I didn't want to be the least hopeful about him. But seeing him there, gave me all the answers. All of them.
I hope you don't mind me waiting around for you here, he said. I hope you don't mind I made you wait around for so long, I replied. And he asked me to sit next to him, on a stair.
Do me a favor...next tuesday or wednesday, wear this same outfit and be with me for a couple of hours, I need to talk to you. The day hasn't been the same without you.
I'm going to tell you this, because I'm not the kind of person who keeps it all to himself: I like you. I like you a lot. You're gorgeous, you're beautiful.
I told him I was thinking of skipping class, and he said "don't". So he walked me to the classroom (it was like 7:15 by now), saying he was always afraid I wouldn't like him. That silly little fucker. Does he think I've skipped class for the first time in my life and that I've spent about two hours with him everyday for the last week, just out of hypocrisy? No. And I almost told him "you fascinate me. I adore you".
He asked me if he could call me tonight. I said, of course, yes. And as soon as I got home, as soon as I was closing my bedroom door to get changed (to take out the outfit he was so stunned by...silly boy), my cell phone rang. It was him. Duh.
- Him: can I reach you at your home phone number?
- Me: yes.
- Him: is it ok?
- Me: yes.
- Him: could I have your home number?
- Me: no.
I mean, yes. He was calling me from a...bar, or something. He was with his friends. I overheard Fer faking a high-pitched voice, "I love you, I love you!". And seriously, that was the only thing Joseph didn't tell me. But I didn't need it. I swear those three words are unnecesary.
He said he wanted to see me this weekend. But that won't be possible. He knows I live in this..."bubble", and, to my parents, God forbid I go out with, or bring home, someone 5 years my senior. He understands, and just thinks I'm this little princess surrounded by many knights. But I swear I'm about to give a fuck and introduce him to my parents, in spite of the circumstances ("do you have a job?"..."no"...).
He talked to Cel this afternoon. She was the one who convinced him to call me. And now, he said, she's his Fairy Godmother or something (remember he was a little infatuated with her a couple of days ago). Cel is happy, too. She always said she'd be the happiest woman in the world if he fell in love with me.
MY take on all this? I love him. I'm crazy about him, and it's all greek to me. I mean, it's something new, I didn't think this feeling existed. I have been in love before (every time was a well-defined disaster), but this is beyond being in love. I absolutely adore him. He's my Big Bang, he's just...perfect.
And he's going to call me tomorrow. And I will freak out, because now I can't concentrate on my assignments.
You know, if you were in my life...I'd take care of you so, so much.