Sunday, 05/23/04 - 5:00 pm.
I am avoiding the countdown that inevitably will lead to my brother's departure next monday. I cried today, when I asked my dad at what time we were supposed to be at the airport. I think he was going to cry, too. This is going to be hard. Really hard.
I have a horrible void in my stomach because of that. And because I can't seem to make any progress with my assignments. I have two midterms this week, a lab and a massive research. No, wait. Two. Two researches.
Both are in groups, and I'm of course, with the Fantastic Four, my four dear friends. One research is massive, and is due in three weeks. We're behind schedule on that one. The other one is due next week, is less massive. Oh, and guess what?! We're behind schedule on that one, too.
I want these two weeks to be over already.
I miss Joseph, which is kind of comforting, because I'm really in love with him. I never missed 1, not even on weekends. I do miss Joseph, and I wish he was next to me now, telling me everything will be ok. I know he wouldn't just say "everything is going to be ok", he'd bring up some mindfucking quote that'd cheer me up.
Amidst this awful disaster of my brother leaving and the innumerable academical tasks I have to get done in two weeks (midterm weeks, too), he's the only one who brings some peace to my psyche. I am, at the moment, freaking the fuck out and going nuts, right on the verge of bursting in tears, hitting the computer screen and walls.
I wish I had time to grieve my brother's departure (because wishing he didn't leave is naive...he's leaving for his own good, I know). It's in 9 days, but the time left doesn't make his departure any less painful. I'll be a wreck next monday, and seeing my parents being a wreck will be worse. I feel bad for them, so bad. All the children who could be of some use for them have left the house, and now it's only me. And I'm so useless.
Grieving and studying is getting in each other's way. I can't study because I'm grieving and I can't grieve because I'm studying. I'll fail at everything.
- Joseph: are you easily frightened?
- Me: I don't know...maybe...sometimes...it depends. If a saw a mouse, I wouldn't be frightened.
- Joseph: Love, knowing you, you not only would be not scared of the mouse. You'd take it in your hands, you'd take it home to feed it and take care of it, and then you'd set it free, not minding if a hawk ate it, because that's how nature works.
I love him, have I said that?
He called me last night (right after I finished typing the entry). He was watching Mtv so I turned to it, too, just to catch Happy Tree Friends. He reminds me of that show sometimes (his sense of humor), and he kind of likes it. Then Avril Lavigne came on, and it's funny that someone like him likes her (not her music). I told him it was ok, though, as I liked her (not her music), too. I knew it, sweetheart, I knew you were too good to be true. He's just kidding. One of his past girlfriends turned lesbian, but there are no chances that'll happen to me. He's just silly.
Ok, having mentioned that comforting tangent, I will continue to feel miserable. I am not THAT miserable right now, though, because I am looking forward to go for pizza with my family tonight. My dad used to take my siblings to that pizza place in the 80s (70s?), and he'd spend less than $3 (18 in the currency of thet country, back in the day). I know it won't be that cheap this time around, but I'm excited about visiting that place, I've never been there. It's the little things, yes?