I'm a little unhappy, but quite happy at the same time.
Wednesday, 05/26/04 - 10:35 pm.

Hello, I have dirty hands, from touching a street dog and one-month-old kittens (aaawww).

Oh, but the day wasn't so sweet at first. I had a breakdown at 11 am, and it ended at lunch. I was pissed off and frustrated and negative, and I wanted to yell at anyone who got in my way. I even pictured myself yelling at Joseph, because I was making up conversations and I knew that his point of view on a certain topic would be different to mine.

But I had lunch, and my brother (who is leaving on monday, and I'm all wrecked about that) cheered me up. He doesn't know that, but he did. Because he's like that, all funny and...funny.

My mood improved with time, although I was very worried about my midterms and researches. But I met up with Joseph in the afternoon, and I forgot everything. Even the things he told me in the conversations I made up in my mind (yeah, specially that).

But I said something to him that...I don't know, I'm not sure if I should've mentioned it in the first place. I was just thinking about it...

- Me: what would you do if I got a scholarship...?
- Him: *long silence, he looks down and whispers*...I'd wish you the best...

I know he's like that. He's the type of guy that loves you so much he'd let you go. But I hated that. I suppose that, deep down, I was hoping he'd say with a smile "I'd go with you", but...that'd be so selfish of me, wouldn't it?

- Him: I'd hit you in the face and put you on the airplane...I would never be an obstacle for you...what if it's the chance of your life?
- Me: but YOU ARE the chance of my life.

(yes, sometimes I can make up for my screw-ups, and by the look in his face, and in his beautiful eyes, I know I did this time)

I went to my guitar lessons. I love my guitar lessons. Then I went to the 4:30 class, and then I discovered my 6:30 - 8:00 class was cancelled. Which was good news, because this week I have not had a lot of time to be with Joseph (well, a little...but it's just never enough), and I certainly needed that.

But first, Victoria and I went to see a professor, mr. Ph.D (I must've mentioned him once or twice) who took a huge weight off my back (basically, it's that I don't need to interview 578 people). So although I have a midterm on friday and two researches, I am a little calm right now, opposed to my morning freak-out. I was even going to cut myself in the morning (my ultimate solution for stress and frustration), but I thought of Joseph. And so I didn't, duh.

Well, so from 5:30 'til 7:55, I was with him. I met one of his best friends, although he refers to his real friends as family. It was a girl, Fer's (one of his "best friends") sister. She looks like Pink, seriously...the looks and the attitude. She's really nice, but with his friends I'm a little more of an introvert than usual, because they're...I don't know, rougher than me. I don't think I made quite an impression on her, but she was really nice to me.

In the afternoon, I touched a street dog, the one I met on saturday, and I let her rest on my lap for a while (Joseph said I'm different, because any other girl would've screamed "OHMYGOD, GET IT OFF ME!"). I saw another one, who I think is about to die. I give her a month, Joseph said. But, according to him, that didn't matter, because -it was obvious- she'd just given birth, and immortality can be seen in your children. I'm just not sure the dog knows that, so it still hurt me to see her, all starving and dirty. No, Joseph was touched by that scene, too, it's just that he always has some wise quote to lighten the situation, the fucker.

We also saw a nest, and a bird feeding its newborns. Beautiful. I always see the smallest things with him, and I love that.

Oh, yeah, he was in a psychiatric hospital once, for six months. I also thought he only had a tattoo, but he has two more (all on his legs). I suppose I should be horrified, but as a matter of fact, I am very in love with him.

Is he in love with me? one might ask. Yes, he is, I might reply. And I will: yes, he is.

I swear, I almost asked you to let me kiss you...I was just just crazy about you, and I was about to tell you to please let me kiss you....Had you rejected me, I'd have not come back to the university for at least six months..

Sometimes he's talking to me, "and so I was doing this, and this, and this, and fuck, you're beautiful, and this, and this, and this". He makes me laugh, and he says he loves to make me laugh. He calls me "love" most of times, and says he adores me like I could never imagine. I could go on...he's just wonderful, and sometimes I still can't believe I am with him.

I've been kind of unhappy. In my head (you know, the voices), I asked myself why is that, if I have Joseph. And I realized, oh, it's because I have loads of assignments to work on, and no time to be with him. He makes me happy, you see, and so it makes unhappy that I cannot be with him as much as I'd like to (all the time *cough*).

But I'm better now. I got to be with him for a long time today, and we talked, as usual, about many, many things that I will not repeat here, because they're not such big deal (we did talk about sex, aren't you jealous?).

Oh, right, the kittens...I went to my cousin's house. They always have 6+ cats. And so, I touched kittens. I wanted to take one home, and I wanted one for Joseph (he LOVES cats) but there are too many in the neighborhood, my mom hates them, and so does his mom.

I have a midterm on friday, about brain injuries. I suppose it's expected for me to say "I'll go study", but as a matter of fact, I'll go try to get myself one of those, to have an excuse.

Oh, hi, I can't remember a thing. I think I injured my hippocampus, but I'm not sure...you know, because I can't remember a thing.

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