Friday, 05/28/04 - 11:59 pm.
I went to mass at 9 o'clock. Ern's body was there, and the funeral would be afterwards. There weren't as many people from the class of 2002 as I expected, but I saw Ern's closest friends. Including Pablo, Cel, Vic and Patch. My brother was there too, as he's the coordinator of the career of psychology. It was an act of moral support from him, I really appreciated it.
I broke down in the middle of mass. I didn't think I would, but besides seeing all the people mourning, the rector, who was directing mass (and who Ern worked for, part-time job) talked about how he was always there for everybody. Ern used to work in communities, building houses for people in the rural area.
I met up with a few people from school, and that was nice. But as the coffin was carried outside church, I broke down again. My brother came to me and hugged me, asking me how I was doing, and telling me that whatever I needed, I could find him in his office.
I'm not sure how I feel about his murder. Now that he's three feet under and all...I don't know, I wasn't particularly close to him, but we did get along, at least as teammates and colleagues-to-be. He was always failing at our group papers, Irene said this evening, smiling, but he definitely was here to serve the others. I guess I'm shocked by the circumstances. I'm really sorry for him and for everybody whose lives he touched, including my own. But as somebody said, we must go on, we must take the chance somebody stole from him (nobody thinks the crime will be solved, they never are). We must remember how fragile life is, and...you know, all those things people say. They're true, of course.
Victor: sometimes I realize what a loser I am, to think nothing can happen to me, when in reality anything can happen, anywhere.
We've started making theories. We've heard it could be something personal against the university and its rector. We've heard a policeman has been seen lurking in the campus, and add to that that it's word on the street that crimes are being commited by the cops to put the blame on the street gangs. I don't want to think about that, but I can't deny something's making me uneasy about Ern's murder, aside from the murder itself.
Forgive me, for words fail me. I just can't label my emotions right now. I don't feel like crying anymore, I already did. And maybe it's safe for me to say that these past two days have been two of the saddest of my life so far. It's just weird, ugly-weird, losing an acquaintance like him, in such way. He was quiet, but affectionate if you could get to know him.
I chose to face my feelings and mourn, and now I'm...ok, I guess. Cel is messed up, and other friends of Ern's (Vic and Patch included) got the worst hangover of their life the night they got the news about his death. I remember Victoria and I used to call him The Amazing. And I've certainly learned a lot from him, his life and his death. We weren't particularly close, as I've said, but he's actually taught me a few things these last couple of days.
I talked to Vic and Patch after mass, before they left for the funeral. I hugged Pablo goodbye, because he was on his way to the airport, to take a plane to Cuba (he won a medicine scholarship...he's tortured by the thought of his "stupid party" being the cause of Ern's murder, which is not right at all). I will not see him in at least six years and I'm not ok with that.
Vic asked me about Joseph, how he was and such, and it just so happened that he was walking by, a little far from us. I told Vic to call his name, but Joseph seemed not to hear (later on I discovered he'd heard "HEY!" and not his name...I never pay attention to people who call me by saying "hey", silly little fucker). Vic just looked at him, and said: he's so you...what a cool soul. I'm happy for you.
Vic and Patch left for the funeral, and I caught up with Joseph. It was maybe 10:30 am. I took him to the woods in the campus, and I tried to read for my midterm next week. I couldn't. He just kept talking and talking, telling me his funny stories. But it didn't upset me, really. Because I am in love with him, duh. He kept complaining about odd insects walking on him, and we watched birds catching butterflies to take them to the nest and feed "the chickens", as Joseph refers to the...er, chicks.
Suddenly, it was 12:30, so we went to Burger King. I paid, because he had no money. We thought it'd be odd to go to the drive-through on a bike. "What? it's a vehicle", I'd say to the fucker taking my order...it's a vehicle, isn't it? I'll do it with *GrapeHead* one of these days. He will, and I don't know wether to laugh or put a paper bag on my face.
Our meal was "carry-out" so we came back to the campus and sat on a bench. We discovered they forgot to include the bbq sauce for his chicken nuggets. And his soda, Sprite, turned out to be water. He used regular ketchup and drank from my coke. And we spent our meal watching -again- birds.
Then we went back to the woods, and we were there until 3:30, when I had my guitar lessons. At that time, I could finally introduce Joseph to Vic and viceversa. They liked each other, and I'm so happy about that. And he's so stoned, love, I could tell from miles away.
At 4:30, when I finished guitar lessons, we sat on another bench, facing each other, and he said: you know, we haven't really had a conversation today. It's been mostly a matter of physical contact so far, so I guess it's time to talk. I love your body and your mind alike, ma'am. Yes, he's cute. And we talked for about two hours.
I had class at 6:30. We got the results from a recent quiz, and the professor showed us Ern's grade. He got a 9 (out of 10). She'll give it to his mom, next saturday (there'll be a mass in remembrance).
Before class began, Joseph and I were outside the classroom, and he pointed at a spot in front of us: this is where he used to stand, waiting to get in the classroom. He was usually alone. Which led me to believe Joseph was a better observer than I thought. He never met Ern.
Like I told Joseph, he makes my day everyday. He says I make him feel very peaceful, but I say the same about him. Sometimes he starts talking about how I have no idea about the love he has for me, and how he adores me and loves me, and I'm everything for him.
My ultimate plan, if I didn't meet you by the end of the semester, was to sit next to you and tell you: "hi, my name is *his name*, I am quite fascinated by you, I can't get my eyes off of you. I think you're beautiful, I am mad at you for never making eye contact with me, and I think it's a tragedy that you, being so breathtaking, must sit alone everyday. Thank you, have a nice day". And then just walk away.
We were sitting today at around 5:30. People were walking by, and we were minding our own bussiness, talking and laughing and observing our enviroment and the people in it, facing each other, but rarely touching or kissing (like I said, we'd already had our physical contact). Sometimes he makes a pause and stares at me...or looks the other way, because -he says- I make him lose control, dumb kid. So we stopped talking, we made a pause. He looked at me.