The agony of a better future.
Sunday, 05/30/04 - 9:46 pm.

There was laughter at first, behind my back, in the living room. But then everything got quiet, and had I not known the circusmtances, I'd have sworn they'd left. But then I heard them sob, and I knew they, my two brothers, were hugging each other goodbye, crying silently.

I can't stand this. I am in agony. My parents are shattered. It's the agony of knowing their son is leaving tomorrow morning, for three, six years, maybe for good, with only seldom visits to the motherland.

I feel a stab in the heart. It's a heartache I could never feel over a lover who's left me, only for my brother. I'm all ripped apart. I cried in the afternoon, to the point of losing my breath and hurting my lungs, because I was trying to cry quietly.

Agony is definitely the only thing I feel right now. I should be happy because he's heading for a better future in El Paso, I should be happy he won't be here when the next president takes over the country (on tuesday) and kills the peasants with his neoliberalist politics. I am happy he'll be far away from this spiral of violence that kills eight people a day.

I will think about that as a consolation, but not now. I am in agony, I could stop breathing right now because of the heartache, I can't tell wheter my heart is shrunk or swollen, but it is definitely in pain.

I am shaking, I know you can't see. I fear to stop looking down or to even say a word, I fear I'll cry so hard my vessels will explode and I will die. I am close, dangerously close to stab myself out of desperation. I can't believe he'll be gone in less than 12 hours.

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