This is how it goes, five mondays later.
Monday, 06/14/04 - 10:11 pm.

I just came home from a very dumb test. I mean, it wasn't dumb, I AM the dumb one, because I couldn't do it right.

But I'm not thinking a lot about it, because I have other things on my mind. Like...I have another test tomorrow. I won't complain about tuesdays anymore, though, because my labs are over, and so my annoying "from 2:00 'til 4:00 and from 4:30 'til 8:00" schedule is over. Now it'll be from 4:30 'til 8 o'clock.

I talked to Joseph about how worried I am, that I'm scared of the way my parents will react when I tell them I have a boyfriend and I describe them how he is. Angel has given me a few advices, very good ones. Basically, I should just keep it simple and personal: "I have a boyfriend, he's like this, like this and like this. Maybe you'd like to meet him someday".

I told Joseph all the things I've thought about (this and this...oh, and this) over the weekend. We'd go on tangents, but suddenly he'd look into my eyes and say: you really are worried about this, aren't you?. I think I got him very scared too. Actually, he's scared already on his own, he wants my parents to like him, I don't ever want to fail you. I only made him very nervous, but in the end he said: "don't worry. It'll be ok. It will be ok". I hope so.

Here's the deal: he isn't studying right now, but he'll begin psychology next year. He's working right now, to earn money and pay for his education. He'd chosen a certain career when he finished high school, but he did it just because his dad wanted him to, not because he was attracted to it at all.

That's what I'll tell my parents about him, and I will not pay attention to his age (if they ask, I'll say 24. Because he's 24). Is it true? Yes, it is. Just one thing: he doesn't properly have a job, but he is working, say, "independently" for now (buying and selling entertainment stuff -yes, legally-), and he is earning and saving money indeed.

Just for the record, I'm trying to grow some balls to tell them about Joseph sometime this week.

We talked about all that after my first class. When it finished, we just sat and spent an hour of *cough* intense physical contact. I'd never had it like that before, and that could've scared me, but he said something that made me feel...relieved.

You see, he was...well, describing, er, stuff, but then he makes a pause, looks at me and says: and when you want to stop, we'll stop. I remembered a poster my brother has in his office that says something like "my strenght is not for hurting, so when she wanted me to stop, I stopped". Maybe it sounds insignificant, but that meant a lot to me. I've never doubted he loves me, but...I don't know, I really appreciated that remark.

He always tells me how we wanted me since the first time he saw me. I think I could write a book just about all the things he felt for me before we met, seven mondays ago as of today. He always has a story: in this tree...I sat under this tree, I was watching you from here, you were over there sitting with your friends. I saw you get up and walk that way, so I got up and walked slowly, calculating that we'd meet at some point. "I was on my way there when Joseph was coming my way". That was the day he told me he liked Cel (that's another story). And the day he told me his heart beat faster when I was around. He always kept an eye on me, the fucker. Running into each other was never a coincidence.

All my friends know it's not too long since I arrive to the campus until he finds me. He says he knows when I've arrived, and all my friends are amused to see it's true. "So how's your boy?", they ask (Veronica asked me today), and I look around, and say "here he comes", and here he comes indeed. They ask me how he does it, if he's got a radar or something, but I'm the most amused.

He'd watched Life Is Beautiful on TV on the weekend, so he kept calling me principessa and kept saying "I want to make love to you - not just once, but over and over again!... I'd even make love to you now...". I think the whole day revolved around that line. He was very touched by that movie, but I think he kind of missed the holocaust-related thematic.

Joseph: And why is life beautiful? the end says it all...it's beautiful because it ends. But on saturday night a friend asked me if I was afraid of dying. I told him that since may 17th (the day we hooked up) I am. Because I'm afraid I'll stop seeing the person who means everything to me.

I'd once asked him what he'd do if I won a scholarship and I had to leave the country. He'd told me, about to cry, that he'd wish me luck. But today he brought the topic back.

- Him: I told you I'd wish you luck if you won a scholarship...
- Me: I know it's selfish of me, but I wish you come with me if that ever happened.
- Him: I will.
- Me: what?
- Him: I would go with you. I broke up with a girlfriend because she won a scholarship...she asked me to go with her, and I didn't want to. But you're different from her, from everybody else.

That ex-girlfriend is, by the way, coming today. But I'm not jealous in any way. Joseph belongs to me. I know it when he finds me, when he holds me, when he makes me laugh and says he loves making me laugh, when he kisses my hand, when he's waiting for me outside the classroom, when he gives me a candy, when he takes me out for coffee, when he says he adores me, when he says I complete him, when he says he's going to marry me one day...when he whispers my name and I ask "yes?" and he answers "I love you so much".

It's a good thing (for you, anyway) that I have to go study, or else I could go on talking about him. I exaggeratedly suck sometimes, but that's what one gets for falling in love.

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