Friday, 06/18/04 - 11:31 pm.
After riding in the back of my brother's car at night, I feel I have a mission in life, and yet I feel too insignificant to formulate it properly, let alone accomplish it. But I will not rush things, this entry has to go in order (unlike yesterday, today I am particularly inspired to write).
I arrived to the campus at 3 in the afternoon, hoping to spend half an hour with Joseph, before my guitar lessons. He hadn't arrived yet. And then I knew how he felt on wednesday (I was asphyxiating because I couldn't find you...). I sat on a bench waiting for him, doodling in my agenda. And I wanted to cry. I was pissed off, but not at him, just at the fact that he wasn't with me and I didn't know why. I even thought he could be dead. He always tells me that if he died, nobody would find out until, at least, three days later.
And I felt something I hadn't felt since he stepped into my life. I felt like a pathetic sack of melancholy, almost depressed. I didn't remember what it was to feel like that, and for the first time, I rejected that feeling (I've always embraced sadness as a fundamental part of my temper). I just wanted him to show up. But he didn't, and I went to guitar lessons. I took off my rings (you can't play with rings on, duh) and put them in my pocket. Everything was lame, he's the one who's supposed to be here, so he can keep my rings in his pocket.
Oh, but first I got a shot. It's some campaign, against...er, a disease. So I got a shot, and my whole arm has been hurting all day, which is kind of neat, yes. Then I went to class, and it was kind of strange, because my instructor is giving us theory. I don't understand a lot, but he says everything will be clearer when I apply the concepts.
Ok, guitar lessons ended, and Victoria and I (she takes the lessons with me) sat near the cafeteria. Finally, Joseph showed up. I left Victoria with Irene, whom we'd just found as well, and Joseph took me to the coffeehouse.
We sat by a window, and it started to rain. We moved our seats, so it seemed like we were watching TV, and the TV was the window. It was pouring, and we spent about an hour and a half just watching people crossing the street in the rain, some walking, some with umbrellas, some running like mad. We saw lightnings, we saw ownerless umbrellas flying n the air, and we saw the street flooding (it was quite a cataclysm, that storm). I liked the experience of observing people, and I liked that we didn't have to ask to each other "do you want to observe people?". We both love to watch people. Oh, yes, but we also took breaks to drink coke, talk about our lives and make out.
Mary, Joseph asked me, will you give me a Jesus?. I always thought "HAHA, I will never get pregnant, no way". But I love this fucker so much I have changed my mind in a heartbeat. I mean, no, I will not get pregnant this week, no, God, NO...but one day, perhaps, maybe. I think we'd really dare to name the baby, if it was a boy, Jesus, just to...you know, it'd be funny. But I don't think Joseph is good at working with wood, and I'd definitely have to lose my virginity in order to get pregnant.
I told him I got pissed off when I didn't find him this afternoon. But, of course, I told him I wasn't mad at him at all. He explained me he'd been helping a friend, although he kept looking at his watch, because he wanted to be with me, too, and knew I'd be waiting for him. He apologized, but I told him it wasn't necessary. And it wasn't.
Before I went to class (after leaving the coffeehouse), we touched a very delicate subject, about war and martyrs in this country. I didn't like what he said, but...I mean...he was giving me a whole different story, a third side of what happened. There were always two sides. But then came a third side, one I never thought existed, and he tells me "I've seen the proof of what I'm telling you, it's this one and this one" and I thought "no, that can't be" and yet I realize "that does make sense". Even if he's mixing half and half of both stories. It's a little way too complicated.
We don't have the same points of view about war and martyrs. I gave him some Martin-Baro writings, so he could understand my goals (the few ones I've begun to formulate) as a psychologist. I never interrupted him when he was giving me his side, of course, because although I didn't agree with him, it was very interesting, and I thought that, after all, there could be some truth to it.
Class started, and I had to leave him. I kissed him and told him "I love you". Even after all I've said?, he asked. I don't quite agree with you, but...look at you, I'm so in love with you (it just so happens we respect each other's beliefs, which sometimes couldn't be any more different). He smiled a "you drive me crazy" smile, and I walked away.
Tonight my dad had an activity with communities, so my brother and her girlfriend (they both work at my university) took me home. I mean, to their home. But first we went to McDonald's for dinner.
And this is where I say: after riding in the back of my brother's car at night, I feel I have a mission, and yet I feel too insignificant to formulate it properly, let alone accomplish it.
In the subject Theories of Personality, I've read about psychoanalysis (Freud), humanism (Maslow and Rogers) and now I'm reading about behaviorism (Skinner). I look out the car window, all the misery in the streets (third world country, hi), all the drama of barefoot shirtless children on every corner, begging you for a nickel and such...and then I look at the teenagers, hitting the clubs, just worrying about finding a partner to spend the night with. And for a moment, my mind was capable of blending the three "forces" of psychology into one, to solve problems, very specific problems.
One of the most frustating things I've discovered in the career of psychology is that all the studies and researches and experiments and such are related to the USA. Ok, all my text books come from USA authors, because there are no authors closer to my situation (except, as far as I know, Martin-Baro, who, by the way, was murdered because of that). But, for example, I'm reading about, malnutrition (its effects on cognition and such), and they give me statistics from the USA. I want to throw away the book and scream "I DON'T WANT THAT, I DON'T LIVE IN THE USA!". But of course, psychology, as most things in this world, revolve around what people in the USA do.
I walked out of McDonald's, with my brother and her girlfriend. He and me were both holding a coke we didn't finish. Suddenly, two little children...ages five, seven, I think...have you seen Disney's Aladdin? Aladdin gives a slice of bread to two children. That's pretty much what they looked like. Anyway, suddenly these two children ran to us "can you please give us a coin?", "could you please us give us some soda, sir, please?"...I saw my brother give away his coke to the girl, so I gave mine to the boy. The children looked at us and said thank you, and then ran away.
My brother said to me "there's more soda at home, if you want". I said it was ok. What did I care about soda, anyway? I never drink more than one third of the content, really (my glass was almost full when I gave it to the boy). I just thought of those two children. Like some soda is of any use in the long run. Maybe one day, though, when I have money, I can say to one of these children "I'll buy you something", and I'll walk back in the restaurant and I'll buy them a Happy Meal or something. But even that wouldn't solve the real problem.
So I think of the awful structure of this society in particular, and then I think of psychology. How different it is when you read what's happening in the USA psychology-wise, all psychology books revolve around theories conceived and applied in the USA and not in the other N countries that exist besides it (ok, sometimes they talk about african tribes, but goddammit, I don't live in a tribe either). I won't fix humanity, it's fucked up beyond repair...but there's gotta be something nobody has come up with yet, such as blending theories that tend to exclude one another and applying the product of the blending to a place, a country, that doesn't know anything but turbulence and tragedy.
There's a Beatles song with a line that goes: the more I learn, the less I know. I know the feeling. I can't seem to find answers.
[Speaking of Beatles, happy birthday, sir Paul McCartney!!!]
prev / next