Sunday, 06/27/04 - 10:53 pm.
I keep hearing LiveJournal is the next Diaryland. I am glad to hear that, I guess everybody is getting an account over there and leaving this one. All the better for me, a non-paying member, now the servers won't be extra-loaded and it'll be easier to post.
Joseph: ok, so you're a sad person who enjoys watching happy grass.
- Me: no...
Third try:
- Joseph: you're a sad person who finds happiness in every little thing.
- Me: yes, pretty much.
He doesn't know about my life before I met him. He doesn't know what I've talked about in this diary, and this diary doesn't know much about what I did before it was born, back in september 2001.
I told him the very basics about 8th grade, the worst year of my life, how I was pushed aside by my friends, and how I tried to try-to commit suicide for the first time. How 9th grade was the same, and 11th year (the equivalent of senior high) was the best and the worst (Denver, hi...he sucked me dry, the sucker).
And then other things that this diary does hold in. How, last year, 1 (my ex-boyfriend) was only a duty for me. And other things I'm pretty sure I've mentioned before, like me being a sad person with a happy life, and how I wanted to attempt suicide and be taken to the hospital (that was since 8th grade), because I was feeling just plain sad. But, as I explained to him, I really didn't have the right, nor a specific reason, to feel sad the way I did.
- Joseph: but there's one thing all the people who know you have told me about...your cartoons. I have not seen your cartoons.
So I gave myself the task of choosing one of my twenty-something notebooks to lend it to him tomorrow. They kind of suck, the cartoons, but they're actually one of the few things I'm genuinely proud of. People used to tell me that I should get them published. I love my cartoons, but I don't think people would like them.
It was quite an introspective talk with Joseph, as a matter of fact. It was things I've always known about myself but I'd never talked about with anyone. And it was great doing it, especially because it was him. Him, the stupid motherfucker who, besides being the love of my life, is a god in bed...NO! I mean, I don't know that, really. No, really.
- Him: I love having you next to me.
-Me: I love having YOU next to me...next, in front, behind and on top.
Love does strange things to your psyche, I warn you.
Today is Frog's birthday. My dog turns 8 today, but I'm pretty sure she's not aware of that. She's not aware of many things, really. I bet she doesn't even know my name. I bet she doesn't know she's stupid. But she's one of the best things that have ever happened to me.
I found, by accident, a TV show on the Food Network. I think it's stupid to have a channel just dedicated to food, if you want to get all technical about the state of hunger around the world. It has other purposes, the network claims, but in the end is pure consumerism. Or maybe I just don't agree with the values of the average USA inhabitant. And seriously, who's to blame me?
Specifically, I caught Emeril Live. BECAUSE JOE PERRY [From Aerosmith, hi] WAS ON IT, yes? He was playing with the band, and Joe Perry rocks the world (and not just because of his BBQ sauce). That was my main reason to watch the show. But I actually liked the guy, Emeril, and his show altogether. I just hated that people clapped whenever he said garlic or cheese. It was like a Pavlov reflex. "And I'll add garlic", applause. "I'll add cheese", applause. I was annoyed beyond grilled tomatoes.
That's it for tonight, because I'm tired of sitting in this chair. I spent yet another afternoon working with my friends on the research. But this is the last time, because we have to turn it in on thursday. You know what I discovered? We have it all wrong. EVERYTHING is wrong. It's exciting, you know, but I feel like a loser.