Tuesday, 06/29/04 - 10:13 pm.
I think I should clarify that, yesterday, I wasn't sad because I thought people didn't like Joseph. That was upsetting me indeed, but I was sad just because. Yeah, yeah, part of my personality, you know the story. I get sad from time to time.
And that thing, what I told Carmen about Joseph: "he loves knives but he carries only one because the cops confiscated the rest"...yes, it's true. I was really sad last night, so I forgot to mention that I said that on purpose, just to have a laugh at her expense. The look on her face was priceless. And I did say other things about him that were equally disturbing for her. I was actually enjoying it, because I don't care what she, or anybody else, thinks of Joseph. I adore him, he adores me. Congratulations to me.
I told Joseph today about last night's crisis (I can tell it's a crisis when I have the need to write in my tangible journal, the one in my bedroom). I told him I wanted to call him, I wanted to cut myself. I'd have noticed the cuts and you know it. And I'd have taken out my knife and I'd have sliced my right hand in front of you, just to remind you how much it hurts to see someone you love so damn much hurt themselves. I know he would have. He was once a cutter, too, and for him in particular, all kind of harm in his body is piece of cake. I told him I didn't cut because I thought of him. Thank you for thinking of me, he said. I couldn't articulate the phrase: "no, thank YOU".
He read my cartoons (I gave him one of my notebooks yesterday). I read the ad about the cell phone with internet access and webcast capabilities, and then I checked the date of that notebook...you were way ahead of your time. He told me the things that made him laugh the most. And I swear that's been always one of the most rewarding things in my life: when I make cartoons and people tell me: "I loved this" or "this made me laugh". It's just...amazing, that you're able to have an impact on people.
We talked about cartoons, how I kind of wanted to be a cartoonist. He said that I just needed to practice the drawing, that my mind is already all over the place. He always has words, or a quote, or a story that never fails to encourage me to do whatever I want to do. I told him to give me an idea to write about. And in two sentences, he described me a plot that I thought was just brilliant. I really need to work on that.
Tonight is significantly different to last night. Tonight, however upset about the never-ending research (until thursday, until thursday) I am, I'm all happy and lame, too. I came home smiling, because nothing makes me happier than walking out of class at 8 o'clock, and discovering that Joseph is outside the classroom waiting for me, when I thought he'd be home by then. He's beautiful, in every way a human being can be.
I was staring at him tonight, when he was walking me after class. I wanted to tell him so many things...but words just failed me. And then he looked back at me. I just smiled, in spite of me.
With that said, I will wrap this up, for I AM OVERLY EXASPERATED WITH THE DISGUSTING RESEARCH THAT HAS NO END, AND I HAVE NOT STUDIED FOR THE FINAL ON FRIDAY EITHER!!!