Friday, 07/23/04 - 10:50 pm.
Some days are too empty to talk about. Take today, for example. I wouldn't like to describe that I went to the mall and I looked after my niece and nephew, which is what I did. But while we're at it, I might as well state that I did not talk to Joseph, and that's seriously uncool.
This morning I was craving a book, so I headed to the studio. People who come to my house and see the bookshelves say: oh, my God, you have thousands of books!. Today I realized we don't have enough books, really, and I told my dad so. He said I was right. Because my dad is a geek, too, it runs in our erudite blood (well, I am not an erudite, but my dad certainly is).
I chose The Sorrows of Young Werther, by Goethe. I related to the book at first, because it was pretty much how I was feeling at the time, all calm and peaceful. I wholeheartedly suck at reviewing, so all I'm capable of saying is that the book is quite nice. I thought it'd be kind of boring, "oh, it's just letters to his friend, how neat the place he's at is", but it became more complex. It gets on my nerves how the man falls madly for the woman, seeing her in such a holy way...it's just a thing I have, many books depict that courtesan love I pretty much loathe. But yes, I recommend it. The writing style is entertaining.
This afternoon I turned melancholy for no reason, and I laid in my bedroom floor. I couldn't move, like it always happens in these cases of striking sadness: I reject all potential will to move, because I don't want to move (it's a circle, you realize), I don't feel like it. I'm sad, but sometimes I'm happy being sad...I'm happe being sad, say, if I get to fulfill the needs of stillness and such.
I thought that, even if I was feeling like that (all teary and sad), I was in a very comfortable position in life. A very selfish one, I formulated, as I looked around my bedroom. I could stay locked up my whole life, nursing my pseudo-heartache and it wouldn't be that bad. I could get used to being selfish, to having a nice life all for myself built inside the four walls of my bedroom. Being selfish is very comfortable, I must admit.
But I don't want to be selfish, and I don't want to get caught up in the joy of performing a permanent role as a sad person. My life is very comfortable, but I'm willing to give that up if it means helping other people. And when I say helping people I mean being part of an improvement in their quality of life. Simple as that. I am of no use when I get pseudo-depressed, when I don't move and I feel like crying just because I feel like crying. Selfishness won't get me anyplace I want to be at in life.
At least, since I'm with Joseph, I've had less of those "oh, maybe I'm depressed/no, that's just me, I'm a sad person" episodes. I keep feeling sad at times, that's inevitable in me, but he makes me happy, so very happy. And yet, I also don't want to get caught up with the idea of just loving with him.
I just finished a wonderful book, by a latinamerican author, in a nutshell, about a man and a woman who were soulmates. But they parted, because he wanted to be part of the war, and she wanted to be a doctor and be at the hospital, helping the victims, whoever party they belonged to. She said she loved him (and really, she literally tracked him down for years) but she couldn't live her life JUST loving him. She wanted to do other things. I don't plan on leaving Joseph, of course, I just mean I have many other things I'd like to do other than being in love with him for the rest of my life.
Yesterday he said we should exchange roles for a while, he should be me and I should be him. I liked the idea, but I quickly rejected it. I love the way he is, all tough and yet diplomatic and knowledgeable....I could never be like him. I said no, I wouldn't do you any justice...besides, that's a type of therapy, I'm supposed to be the one to reccomend it, not to perform it...it's for depressed people. He pointed at me. I'm not depressed, I said. He kept pointing at me. I'm not depressed, I'm just a little sad, it came in my personality kit.
Ok, I don't know how I got here. I was talking about Goethe and then shazam!, I am trying to shape up the life I want to lead in a near future. See, this is the type of entry one gets on a day that's not worth talking about. But to be honest, it was quite insightful, even if that word doesn't exist.
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