Thursday, 08/26/04 - 9:24 pm.
Today's the third month anniversary of Ern's murder. His picture is still hanging from the psychology billboard, and I look at him everyday. Sometimes there's other people looking, too, reading the newspaper article. His memory fades away slowly, but it's funny how I sometimes have a spark in my head, a voice that tells me "he should be here, right on that corner, sitting with his girlfriends", or I just picture him, standing outside the classroom, smoking a cigarette with his messenger back across his chest.
I didn't remember this, when, in high school, I was in the director's office alone, and he walked in. He noticed I was wearing a lot of rings, and he said that he'd get me one. I don't remember if he did (I think he didn't), but I thought it was very nice of him. I still think it's quite strange that he's dead.
***
I ran into my old friend Norm today. Everytime I see him, he's got a new story to tell regarding his body. Last time I saw him, he had a tongue ring, and today he had a lip ring, wanted to start wearing eyeliner and wanted to dye his hair electric blue. Ok, pal. It's always nice to talk to him, though. He's quite a character.
When I found him, he was waiting for D, and I was looking for Joseph. D showed up and joined the both of us, and I wanted Joseph to show up, so I could introduce him to Norm and then he could get me the fuck away from D. I've finally moved on completely, if there's any doubt about that. Actually, that was a long time ago, so all I did when D was around was smile when I had to. "Yes, kid, whatever".
Joseph is very good at making me regret all the people I've been romantically involved with, and actually he's right. He says he always thought that my boy of choice was a handsome Hercules, all intellectual. I told him no, I always fell for half-mature kids, no "handsome" boys ever had an eye on me. What a bunch of jackasses, then, he replied.
We went to the coffeeshop, and he told me of this mutual friend of ours, named Will. Will and I went to english classes together, when I was in 9th grade and he was a senior (high school is only two years here). I don't know how Will and Joseph met, but I know Joseph dated Will's ex-girlfriend. So anyway, today Joseph told me Will liked me when we were in our english course. I didn't quite believed him.
Yes, he did. He says I always steal his girls. He told me he liked you, but never approached to you because he was afraid to screw up. It's funny, because I had a very strong thing for him, too. And for another boy, who was his friend. I had them both at my feet sometimes, but in a very friendship-ly way. I liked to think they liked me, because I sure liked them, but that was it. I never considered they could be interested in a little girl like me (I did feel like a little girl around them).
I really wish I'd kept a journal of my english courses. Those times were great, once I'd found a crowd. There was this girl who liked Aerosmith as much as I did (OHMYGOD!), and we called her "Tamagotcha", because she always had a Tamagotchi and the teacher, whenever he found it, he killed it. Jesus, sometimes I really miss those days.
Today was one of those days in which Joseph and I have nothing physical, we didn't even hold hands. We just talked for about two hours before I had my first class. It's great that we have different ways to be with each other, so it never gets boring.
I didn't see him after class, which really upset me. I saw him from afar, but just when I was walking into the classroom for my next class. I wanted to run to him but I said "no". Me and my stupid pride. I saw him walk away...he was going to walk away, because, as I figured he'd gone to the classroom where I'd had my previous class, he didn't find me there and he thought I was already in my other class.
I got out of my second class a little earlier, so I went to look for him before I left. I didn't find him, and you might very well say I am mad at him for not, um....letting me find him. But it's not an "angry" madness, I just wanted to see him. I want to see him right now and tell him "I hate you". But I don't, really. I just hate that I couldn't see him.
Ok, I can't say any more. It's raining and the lights can go out at any second now.
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