Friday, 08/03/04 - 10:26 pm.
I open the lame list of "the things that happened to me that are worth of being mentioned" with a quite interesting encounter with the guy I consider to be my high school sweetheart, D. (although after giving it a lot of thought last night, I came to the conclusion that I have another high school sweetheart, Melvin...even if we were never more than casual friends).
It wasn't exactly an encounter. I was crossing a street in the campus (that reminds me of the Abbey Road cover), with my hair falling in my face. I removed it and then I saw him. We smiled at the same time, and I partly waved (just partly). But something hit me about seeing him, and this time it wasn't about me or my heartbreak (it only hurts when I remember a lot, like tonight...but seriously, I am completely over everything).
He was alone. He's always alone when I see him (that's not so often). It's like he hasn't found a group to belong to there. And his smile to me was a little...sad? Kind of. I don't know, I felt very sorry for him. It was like something was wrong with him.
For a second I thought of stopping and waiting for him, but I realized I didn't want to exchange a word with him. So I didn't stop walking, it wasn't my duty to nurse him, anyway (and he'd have rejected me, like he always did). I thought that if I were more immature, I'd find joy in his supposed sorrow, because I'd see it like my payback, or karma. I believe in karma, but I'd never wish for him to feel bad, really. All I ever asked for, when "everything" ended between us, was for him to realize how I felt about him (especially with the cutting issues)...which he never did, and never will, but at this point of my life I've accepted that fact. Har, har.
Joseph finally did the initial paperwork to get in the university next year. I was with him, along with two of his friends, who have been highly supportive. One gave him the money to pay, one did all the talking to get the papers. I was there as a mere companion, hi. I realized his handwriting is, pardon me, horrible. Know what, write it all in caps, I told him. He almost screamed, but it was because he was very uncomfortable with everything. He did write it all in caps, though.
While he was filling out the application, I saw Art. He doesn't study in my university, but he goes there everyday to give a ride to a friend of his who has crutches, which I consider highly praise-worthy. My friend Pablo was with him (he's on vacation, from Cuba), and also was Vic. I miss Vic, and it was wonderful seeing him after a long time. We gotta go. We're going to the cementery to visit Ern, Pablo said. "Give him my best regards", I replied. Will do.
Fast forward to a few minutes before my last class started. My friends and Joseph (well, he's my friend, too) and I had gone to Burger King, but that is quite irrelevant, actually (except for the apple pie, I love their apple pie).
Joseph said to me, with some kind of shame: I'm an intruder. I feel like that among your friends. It's like I've come in and broken the equilibrium in your life. I told him I still had my equilibrium, only now he was part of it.
He was embarrased the whole day. It's getting back into the university what has him like this. He looked very sad, and I almost began to cry. He said he felt useless, with all of us (his two friends and I) doing most of the things for him at the administration office. As I told him, though, he never said "leave it, I'll do it".
- Joseph: (...) and getting help from them...you know, I'm always the one who helps them out. "Hey, give me an advice", "sure, man, take it". I'm like their patriarch...I give them everything I can, and now I...I just feel useless.
- Me: well, you should learn to receive, too.
He was very, very embarrased, and scared and nervous. I only could tell him I wasn't going to leave him alone.
- Joseph: I'm changing my mind about all this, I think I'll just become a carpenter.
- His friend Fer: No, man, that's your dad. You're supposed to be crucified (as you may not recall, Joseph's second last name, in a way that cannot be stranslated to english, is Jesus).
I think he's not far from feeling crucified, though.
My last class was a laugh. My four friends were near me: Victor, Angie (both kind of trying to get along after their break-up), Victoria and Irene. It's wonderful, I love being with them. Well, yes, perhaps I kind of miss being only with the four of them, but I never feel like being without Joseph.
[warning: Freudian language ahead] I've been officially proclamed the Super Ego of the group. Because I always have this sense of responsabilty that they lose once they start drifting away on tangents. I like the title, but I think I'm just the Ego, struggling between reality and their Id-like sparks of laughter.
It's time for me to go into my short episodes of neurosis. I've been reading a lot of Freud lately, and he says that dreams are moments of neurosis,, in which your Ego is asleep, wishing to go back to the uterus, and its defenses are low. So the Id takes over and all your inconscious conflicts come out and haunt you, but in disguise, so you won't be severely traumatized. I love this theory, applause.