Wednesday, 09/15/04 - 9:55 pm.
I'm not going to spend my precious space on bitching about how stupid a day like today is in this country. It's a national holiday, as all Independence Days are. Helicopters flew incredibly low and they scared me. I worked on many university assignments. I do not agree with the idea of independence. And that's all I'll say about that.
Something happened yesterday, and thoughts about that have been invading my head. I don't necessarily consider it a bad thing, because it doesn't really affect me (it could have, had I not moved on). But still, I think about it.
Yesterday I was waiting for Joseph at the cafeteria, when I caught a glimpse of my high school acquaintance, Fo. And another high school acquaintance, a certain girl. I'd heard that this girl was dating D. And yesterday I saw her wrapping her arms around someone, but I couldn't tell who it was because they were at the other end of the cafeteria, it was dark over there and they had their back on me.
And I asked myself: "self, could it be possible?".
Then at night I found Rod online. We were talking about Paris Hilton, because we love to rip her to shreds (she'd say I'm envious, but I call it cynicism). And out of nothing, I asked him if he thought that *girl* looked like Paris Hilton.
- Rod: which *girl*? Oh, Denver's *girl*
That was what I wanted to find out, and Rod gave it away too easily. I actually only wanted to know if they were still dating. They must've been together for 7-9 months by now. I smiled. I remembered the day I saw D walking alone, and I thought that he was lonely, too. I was glad to find they're still together, that D had someone to be happy with...
Those thoughts lasted about five seconds. Then my mood turned all somber: "bastard, you loved her all along". It's been two years now and my feelings for him have faded completely...the good feelings, that is.
Because now I'm getting all stupid, seeing him as an invisible enemy, as a parameter, as something in my own head that keeps me in an endless competition, "always be ahead of him". I shouldn't grant him that much room in my thoughts, but I can't help it.
I think of D, and then I think of Joseph. I hit the jackpot with Joseph. I consider myself one of the luckiest people in the world for having someone like him. I think of Joseph and then I think of D, and I realize that I ended up winning much more than I could've ever dared to ask for in a significant other.
My problem is not loving D. I actually regret having feelings for him in the first place. I hate him for giving me signals that confused me (I talked about them in their own time -2002-, I will not bring them up again). I haven't heard his side of the story, and most likely I never will, so I make up my own theories about why he left me like he did. Oh, here's Joseph again: you must never suppose anything.
I try not to suppose. But I let myself wander once in a while. It always seemed to me he had somebody else in mind, and I was just some kind of unfortunate obstacle, a past time, and/or an alternative, temporary object of affection.
I don't mourn his absence, in case you're wondering. A couple of nights ago, I found him online. He didn't talk to me, and I didn't talk to him. I thought: I'm waiting for you to talk to me. But then again, I've been waiting for two years. An eternity of not speaking to each other wouldn't mean that much to me by now.
People could argue that I'm talking an awful lot about him. "Couldn't that mean you still have feelings for him?". It could. But it doesn't. I'm just upset, about the things that happened between us. How they happened. I guess I'm just pissy because I feel used.
Ok, perhaps I'm just trying to state something that I shouldn't even think: I wish they broke up. I know it's something terrible to wish for, and I hope they won't, if they're happy. But I wish they did, and I blame it on my resentment toward him. He's definitely a burden I'll carry for a long time.
Lord, all that typing was therapeutic. Although I see myself in the embarrasing situation of considering all this worthy of the line: "and that's just the beggining".
I loved him and now I hate him. Distance has been kind to me.
Onto happier subjects: I'll spend a lot of time with Joseph tomorrow. I have an appointment with a professor at 11 am. And then I'll find Joseph and we'll be together until 5:30, which is when my class starts on thursday.
- Me: ok, what time do we meet at? Where?
- Joseph: I'll find you.
- Me: don't say that, give me a time and a place, or else we could be lost for a long time.
- Joseph: I'll find you.
Alright, cheers.
My friend Norm sent me an e-mail, telling me he's in love with Veronica. I'm highly likely to respond that I'm sick of their stupid mind games that they carry since 8th grade. One's in love, the other's confused, and one's ready, the othe has no more feelings. I seriously appreciate Norm's confidence in me, to e-mail me and confess, so I'll be gentle and I'll try to cheer him up (because Veronica has a boyfriend).
And then there's Angie and Fer. But I'll leave this topic for other day because it's a little mess magnified by them. Joseph said: it feels as though we're married and their our children. You know, Fer is the dumb child I never want to have. Angie's like your daughter, you're always looking after her...they love each other, they're just too dumb to overcome themselves. They're perfect for each other.
So I guess it's up to me and Joseph to bring them together. I don't like doing that, but this situation calls for a butt-in. Joseph says to me that Fer is hung up on Angie. I say to Joseph that Angie is hung up on Fer. And then we make out.
- Me: Don't worry, he likes you back.
- Angie: no...really? what? how do you know?
- Me: I know this because Tyler knows this.