Friday, 09/17/04 - 9:51 pm.
We had a long argument about a political celebrity. It could've very well lasted 10 minutes. But I ended up saying: and the main problem is that now he thinks more like you than like me. And we just made out. Because that's what couples do.
Today's our fourth month anniversary. His friend H says I'm the sum of all the beauty a woman can have, "but shame on your taste in men". Why, thank you. I am very in love with Joseph, and I don't care if his friends gamble on how long we'll last.
My ex-boyfriend (the only ex-boyfriend of my life), with whom I lasted six months, bets we won't last more than six months. I feel sorry for him, I really do. Joseph thinks we'll break up on our seventh month. He sucks for that, but he still makes me happy to no end.
Two people told him today that I could get sick of him, because we were always together. A girl told the both of us that it was neat, that we were always together. A stranger told me he loved my spikes choker (because it's not the classic black one), and I mumbled thank you.
Just statistics.
He got me a stuffed toy, a raccoon. He got it for me because on the label it says that its name it's Ringo. He took me for milk and chocolate at the coffeehouse, and his best friend joined us. I didn't mind, because he's such a wonderful soul, and Joseph admires him so much.
I told Joseph I couldn't picture my life without him anymore. That he was the best thing that's ever happened to me (not "thing", but what I really said cannot be translated). There's no day that goes by without me learning something new from him. And I seriously believe the sex life...er, the kissing, I mean, just keeps improving. I can't wait until we're elderly people (thanks, Angel), having the best sex of our life (hey, that's what Psychology of Development II says...).
He saved me today. We were in the cafeteria, and Norm and Carmen walked in. The Veronica walked in. The three people that, directly or indirectly, started all my fucked-upness. Oh, no, regression. Oh, no, 8th grade. But I was with Joseph. Safe with Joseph, listening to him talking to Fer. I love Joseph so much my lungs hurt.
I turned around and Carmen was next to me. Veronica and Norman were walking away together. Carmen said to me: well, as it was said, the only ability they have is the ability to pretend nothing happened between them. I looked into her face, trying to find a gesture that told me she knew I was the one who said that. I don't think she knew.
When I saw those two dumb kids walking away, certainly on their way to find a quiet place to talk about their feelings, I thought that maybe I'd made a difference in their life, by the heartfelt e-mail I sent to Norm two nights ago. But then I laughed at myself: when have I ever made a difference in their lives? Never. I've always been a zero to the left. A beloved zero, because they appreciate me. But a zero nonetheless. They called me their friend, the three of them, and I was. But it was just a label, on paper. I always found out about their conflicts through someone else, or until I saw them crying. I was officially discarded in 8th grade, and it still hurts.
Joseph said I shouldn't pay attention to that, since it's been very long now...and he's right. I have him, anyway. I look at him and I know things are different now.
My dad's new book is out, and a friend of his came over tonight. He asked about the photograph on the cover, and when my dad said I took it, the friend asked me to sign his copy, too (my dad had). It was embarrasing, I had no idea what to write. I wanted to write "VOTE FOR ME!", because a girl in the reality show of the beauty pageant had just said that. But that sounded too bizarre.
Ok, I finally got the software to download the pictures from Fer's camera. I also have an e-mail from Angel waiting to be read. Tomorrow I'll talk about something I learned today, that opened my eyes.
- Me: (about the jesuist that were murdered in my university in 1989) they lived there, right?
- Brother: yes, in that tiny house, in those bedrooms.
- Me: didn't they hear the soldiers breaking in? They could've escaped. Is it that they noticed that the army was there to kill them until they took over the house?
- Brother: no. They noticed. As a matter of fact, father Ignacio Martin-Baro opened the door for the soldiers to come in the house.
I've been reading a lot of Martin-Baro's work lately. I feel like crying.
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