Friday, 10/08/04 - 10:50 pm.
This is (was) psychologist week in my university, and tonight we had the Cathartic Festival. It's arranged by the 5th year students (the ones graduating), and usually it consists of making fun of the professors of the career of psychology. Which is why the professors don't attend the show. However, my brother, the coordinator of the career and also a professor, and two other professors did.
I helped with the decoration, which made me feel useful and like I had a place to belong to, something very rare up to this point in my life. I met other psychology students, and that was great. There was a guy from 3rd year who was going to play my brother, and he was a little embarrased when he found out I was his sister. But I told him it was ok, I was laughing. Tonight after the show he asked nervously what would my brother think, he's going to hate me. But I calmed him down. My brother was a student, too, so he certainly was aware of the things that are done at the festival.
I laughed so hard, it was wonderful. They did a parody, Big Psycho instead of Big Brother (in Mexico there's a reality show named like that). My brother was voted the sexiest...yes, he actually makes all the girls swoon, something I do not understand. I laughed so hard at the festival that I finished with a sorethroat and a headache. All students were identical to the professors...including Victoria, who impersonated another professor. She was ovationated.
Onto more serious subjects...I had my second guitar lesson today. Joe asked us if we'd like to play with guitar picks, and I shook my head. He approached to me: you don't like guitar picks, do you?. I said I could never do it right. He explained some things to me and handed me his guitar pick. I played something and it turned out pretty good. See? you can, he smiled. I can't, really. It was just a lucky strike.
Actually, I consider a lucky strike all the melodies I play right when he's in front of me watching me play. I hate it that I'm the only one he kneels before when he approaches to check up on...actually, that's why because of my position in the Guitar Room. But still...it's uncomfortable for me. He comes to me after checking on the student next to me, and then my fingers play everything wrong.
I was wearing my Rolling Stones t-shirt today, and at the end of the class, when he stood in the doorway to dismiss us he pointed at my shirt: you like them?. "A little bit", I replied, "do you?". Yeah. Ok, bye. No...I didn't even say goodbye. After he said yeah I chuckled and walked away. Ugh, granted: I suck.
Here's what everybody [in my head] wants me to confess: I like him. And that's a terrible thing to feel when you have a boyfriend. I'm not really freaking out, though....HA! ok, I am. Because I love Joseph with all my heart, and now I'm starting to think I have two hearts. But I'm safe, as long as he doesn't like me back. And anyway, I could never leave Joseph...I love him too much.
I'm allowed to have a crush, aren't I? The good thing is that I only see Joe twice a week, so this thing is bound to pass. It'll disappear over the weekend, and next week, by wednesday (my next class) I'll only see him as my guitar instructor and someone very talented whom I want to impress with my progress with the strings.
Libido: a sexual energy that can fluctuate and that can be directed toward any number of objects.
Ok, Freud. If I have a flow of libido toward Joe, I must redirect this flow to another object, a substitute. Which is why I've decided to become a talented guitar player (one can dream...). All the things I could feel for Joe I'll feel them toward the guitar.
Which brings me to good news: Joseph's friend, Grapehead, is selling his electric guitar and its amplifier, for $175 altogether. In good conditions, of course. He said he could sell them to me for $150. My dad said "buy it" without hesitation, and he even offered to pay for it. Everyhing about art and culture is welcome. I don't think he quite grasps the concept of an electric guitar. But I thanked him, and said I'd put some of my own money, because my plan was actually to pay for it myself. But since he's being so supportive, ok.
Joseph will call his friend, and hopefully by wednesday I'll be the owner of a black electric guitar. AND an amplifier, although I don't think I could use that in this matchbox-size house (I do love my house, though), unless I'm home alone.
Oh! Oh! I SAW AN AEROSMITH T-SHIRT TODAY!!!! I have one, but it's lame. The one I saw was my dream: it was black, and the wings logo, in white, was all over the shirt (I didn't see the back, though). That was hardcore. Like, totally.
Joe gave me a guitar pick. I mean, he gave one to all of us students (five). I'm a little scared of this "thing" I feel for him. I shouldn't, I'm in love with Joseph. I mean, I am in love with him, I'm not saying it like "I'm supposed to be in love with Joseph". No. I am. And I don't know why this is happening. It shouldn't be.
You know what I'm going to do, though? I'll accept that I like him, hoping that'll make the feeling fade away quickly.
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