Tuesday, 10/12/04 - 11:07 pm.
I'm happy because I got high grades on my midterms: *is happy*. I got the results today, and I got a 9.3, a 9.4 and a 10 (plus the 8 in psychometrics). I believe I'm not above average on this, as the majority got good grades, but in this case, it's ok.
Joseph didn't go to the university today, and I -duh- missed him. I talked to his friend H, though, who told me a few tips on how to handle him. H seems to know him very well, although Joseph seems to look down on him. He doesn't talk to me much, because he knows I'm the one who tells him the truth. I'm not like the rest of people he surrounds himself with, I just don't agree with everything he says or does, which is why he avoids me. H told me a lot about him, how he's scared of many things and such, and that you have to let him talk, talk, talk until he gets the things off his chest, and then you jump on him and tell him all the things he has to hear.
Joseph just called me. I'm not sure what's bothering me, but I really want to talk to him. I got him to say what's bothering him: ok, you want to know? It bothers me that I do not see you anywhere else than in the university. We don't go out, we're just some kind of university couple...I didn't want to tell you, but that's what bothers me.
It hurt me. Not what he told me (he's right, you know?). It hurt me that he didn't want to tell me how he felt. It hurts me that I don't know why he's doing all this (not going to the university), it hurts me that he finds every chance to say: you're breaking up with me, even if he's just joking. I hate it when he says that. I hate it. I hate it that the only way to get my point across is getting mad at him and talking furiously.
One day at the juice parlor Tiny -his friend- told me that I had to be "categorical" whenever I said no (or anything else for that matter) to him. Because if you say no all shyly, he'll take take that as a yes, as an encouragement to keep picking on you. I didn't say anything at the time, but that upset me. That's the reason why many girls are raped: "she says no, but she means yes". Joseph isn't like that, and I believe Tiny wouldn't go to the extreme on that statement, but still, I hated it. And I knew that if I went all furious on him to get my point taken he'd go: "I knew you'd get upset, I do it all wrong".
This afternoon when I was taking to H, I realized there are so many things I want to tell him. And I don't even know what those things are. I just feel something, some urge to tell him you are stupid, because of this and this. But I can't even formulate my own opinion, because I don't know what's really going on with him. And I don't want to judge him.
*sigh* He's almost like a girl, all complicated.
Oh, you know what else is hurting me? The fact that Angie doesn't even approach to me anymore. She walks in (class) late, sits next to her best friend (whom Joseph isn't very fond of), and when class finishes she takes off with her. Sometimes I'm near, and she doesn't even turn around. I saw her back this evening, before class (she'd just walked me by) and I felt some aching I hadn't felt since school. I hadn't been ignored in a long time, and I think I'd lost the habit of enduring that. She doesn't do it on purpose, I know. I'm not mad at her, really. I know she's having a hard time right now. Fer got back together with some girlfriend, when we all thought he'd end up with Angie...and that's no laughing matter for everybody who knows him. It's a complicated subject. Almost like Joseph.
I'm getting the guitar tomorrow. And I'm excited about my brother moving back in, too. I found out that a certain bloopers show we used to watch is airing again. I sent him an e-mail telling him so, and he said I should start looking for all the good late night shows. I can't wait, we'll be laughing our asses off at midnight. That's something to look forward to.
I must ask Joe to teach me how to change strings. I think I'm getting over my crush on him, but I'll find out tomorrow morning when I see him.
I must talk to Joseph. He said tonight I sense we'll have a rather intellectual discussion tomorrow. Oh, we will. We'll also have crepes, because crepes rule.
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