Monday, 10/25/04 - 10:52 pm.
Joseph showed up today. He walked by me like a stranger and I almost chased him, because he started to run away. I stopped, and he stopped at the top of the staircase.
I thought you'd commited suicide, I said. I thought about it a few times, he replied. We remained silent, two feet separating us. After minutes of akward silence, he said "this is getting uncomfortable" and walked away. I was going to cry.
After class I looked for him. I said what I had to say, and I cried all the tears I had to cry. Joseph was between hating myself for hurting me, and accussing me of hurting him, because you showed me what a piece of shit I am. I mean, at times it seemed like I was the villain, but everything came down to the fact that he was sorry and ashamed for hurting me.
I don't feel like transcribing the whole thing, and I'm sure you appreciate that. It was hard for the both of us: for him because he was ashamed (you don't know how hard it is for me to come today and face you) and for me because I'm terrible at being assertive, and while I wanted to let him know how I felt, I just wanted to cry. In the morning I'd cried, too, preparing a speech. And I then I couldn't pronounce a goddamn word.
- Me: just what were you thinking when you did that to me?
- Him: I wasn't thinking. But when I realized what I'd done, I knew how stupid I am.
- Me: do you still love me?
- Him: I ADORE you. You will never understand just how much.
When he walked me to class we were still awkward to each other, and my eyes were still drying. But after a while we were kissing and laughing. Did any of your male friends ever kiss you like *this*? Somebody once did, I replied. And I remembered my friend Melvin. You know, if you ever break up with me, I'll continue kissing you [on the lips] everytime we see each other, even if you slap me.
It may take a while to get back to our normal relationship, but at least we talked about how we felt and...well, we're ok now, sort of. He called me at night, but we engaged in a debate about the presidents of this country. I was pissed off by his points of view, and for a while I wanted to hang up. I like debates, but after the emotive state I've been in, debating with him is the last thing I need.
I talked to his mom, too. She's nice, but it was embarrassing.
In the afternoon I was on my way to the cafeteria, to see if Joseph was there (he wasn't yet), and instead I saw Joe. I was hoping he'd see me, but I don't think he did. I considered seeing him as some kind of signal. But I shouldn't, really.
I'd like to talk a lot about how I feel, but I have things to do. Once again I feel like crying, I think it was because of the "debate". But over all, I'm relieved.
I did come [to the university] on friday. But I did a good job at hiding from you, didn't I? You never saw me.
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