Monday, 11/01/04 - 10:01 pm.
Oh, no. November. I love november, but it goes away too fast.
Today I got the grades of my essay on Fromm and my psychodinamics and psychometrics midterms: 10, 8.9 and 10. My Super Ego is happy, because my psychometrics grade was improved by a nice 0.9.
This morning I had the guitar lesson I was supposed to have last wednesday. We learned the first notes to Stairway to Heaven. Word.
I was just taking a seat and placing the guitar on my lap when Joe grabbed me by the forearm and said: you didn't go! (to the beatles concert last friday). I was left speechless by his reaction, and I could only apolologize, saying I couldn't make it. He said ok. I bit my tongue to stop myself from spilling out my guilt complex, that even now is haunting me.
At the end of the class I gave him back the B.B. King he'd lent me. He pointed his favorite song. Then I asked him how everything went at the concert. He said it was tiring, and he was falling asleep in the middle of across the universe. The poor thing.
At some point, I realized we were talking and the rest of the pupils had left the guitar room. It was just him and me. And you know what happened? I started to shake...not visibly, of course, but I got very nervous. I wasn't even paying attention to what he was saying...I think he was just going on and on about how tired he was. I was shaking, but I didn't want to leave the room. I didn't want to leave him.
I swallowed that huge emotion with a Burger King meal. Not the healthiest thing in the world, but I go there when I'm having lunch by myself. Joseph didn't show up until 3 o'clock...in the meantime, I killed time, from 1:45 'til 3:00. I talked to my friend H (met him through Joseph), for a while, about how immature Joseph is sometimes. Ugh, seriously.
You know how I killed time? I looked for a kid wearing a red shirt. This morning when I was walking into the guitar room, I saw a tall person standing in the doorway. He turned around, and it was Joe. It kind of surprised me, I didn't realize how tall he is. Oh, yes, he was wearing a red shirt.
But surprise! It seems that 1 out of 5 people decided to wear a red shirt today. There were red shirts everywhere!!! I couldn't fucking believe it. It was beyond stupid, seeing so many red shirts, but not his. I was desperate to see him, in spite of me. Really, really desperate. I wanted to cry, I even wanted to get up and go look for him.
Joseph finally arrived. Right when he was with me, I saw Joe...he was entering the university (then I realized that during all that time I freaked out at every red shirt I saw, he was probably at home having lunch). He didn't see me. He was walking very fast, and he looked upset. Joseph was going on and on about some Magic characters, and I only followed Joe with my eyes as he walked away...goddamn red shirt. When I came back to reality, Joseph was still talking about dragons.
Hours and hours later, I saw him, and he saw me. He was in a rush again, still looking upset, but he widely smiled at me. I hate this. Every little thing he does causes me to melt. Not just a moderate "aaawww"...it's like someone punches my heart and I lose my breathe. It's very heavy. And if I think too much about him, I start to smile like a retarded.
I don't even call him "crush" anymore. This has gone so far and it's beyond my control. Joseph said to me tonight you're in love with me. I can see it in your eyes. I'm so glad about that. But I fear that isn't the only thing my eyes have to give away.
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